A Long, Frank Post about Porn and How We Often Mishandle It in the LDS Church

From my own experience in various responsibilities dealing with the issue of pornography over the years, the following are some important points I think need to be understood when talking about pornography:

1) There are many Victorian attitudes that mess up people's understanding of what healthy sex can include. I can't stress that enough at the beginning of this post, since it's a huge problem in our current religious culture.

2) I believe there are lots of things that are perfectly fine and healthy that are repressed generally in our modern Mormon culture (far more than was the case in the early days of the LDS Church).

3) Talking about pornography constantly from the pulpit often stimulates those who are struggling with it in some way.  It's like talking with an alcoholic about alcohol every day. 

4) Having said that, there are many elements of pornography (hard-core porn, especially) that are not examples of "healthy" sex - and, in many cases, marital issues arise when a spouse (a husband or wife) begins to want and expect the other spouse to act like the people in the porn - or, knowing there is no way the other spouse is going to act like the people in the porn, uses porn as an outlet for fantasies revolving around those unhealthy practices.

5) Mainstream porn (as opposed to specific sub-categories) tends to portray extremes in sex - and I don't just mean "extreme activities" when I say that. There is never "average sex" - sex that isn't "perfect"; there is never sex that is a compromise when one person really isn't feeling it; there is never a statement of "No, I'm not comfortable with that" and an acknowledgment and acceptance by the person who is wants what the other person is unwilling to do; there never is anything that involves real discussion and "middle ground" of any kind. At the most extreme, there are lots of things that are "extreme", in and of themselves, by any reasonable definition - including things that are cruel, controlling, sadistic and, literally, based on the elimination of agency and love. Lots of porn is "dehumanizing" in the sense that it removes individuality and focuses solely on the animalistic nature of the physical activity to the exclusion of everything else that involves intimacy and being human.

6) This restates #4 and builds on #5, but the extremes that are the norm often lead to unrealistic expectations, and that can put enormous pressure on spouses to accept things they naturally wouldn't accept - and enormous pressure on the one with those expectations to find an avenue for those expectations to be met. That combination can be very destructive in a relationship.

7) Finally, porn as an industry is brutal for many of those who are involved. I won't go into details here, but it is as repulsive as anything I've ever researched.

It is very similar to prostitution in some ways - the disease rate, the lack of decent health insurance, the lack of long-term employment (for lots of reasons), the preying on people who get into it out of desperation or to make money while pursuing other dreams that never materialize as they get "used up" by the industry; the huge underground reliance on runaways and youth, in general, especially in other countries but even in the USA. The celebrities in the industry get all the attention and make it look glamorous, but those who constitute the "fodder" pay a huge price - and, again, that's even here in America. The porn industry in other countries is nearly unspeakable and truly vile and evil.

Seriously, the research is horrific.

Again, using prostitution as an example, I live in Nevada - where prostitution is legal and "ladies ranches" are common. There is one just outside Carson City, where I live, that is the focus of an HBO show. Apparently, the show makes prostitution at that ranch look somewhat glamorous - but I know a woman who wrote a book about the industry in Nevada who visited lots of ladies ranches, interviewed owners and the women who work there and talked about what life actually is like for them. They often are forbidden to leave without supervision (since the owners don't want them to leave or to get paid for anything that can be hidden from them, thus cutting into their profits); the managerial take is comparable to what pimps get through illegal prostitution; women are discarded immediately, with no financial security, if they get AIDS or any other "serious" sexual disease; "minor" sexual infections are overlooked and not disclosed to the "customers"; etc. One owner, portrayed as a benevolent father figure publicly, referred to the women who work there as "my stock" - literally, in the exact same way a rancher speaks of his cattle. In many cases, pimps from California transport their "stable" to Nevada and employ them at the ranches - taking their own cut on top of the owner's cut - leaving the women with next to nothing except a roof over their heads until they go back to their home turf.

Finally, pornography can be highly addictive - and it's created specifically by its producers to be as addictive as possible. There are ranges of porn (soft-core vs. hard-core and lots of degrees all along a scale), but, just like any other commodity in our society, it has been researched extensively to be marketable. I view pornography as perhaps the best example we have of addiction peddling and the result of "evil which does and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the latter days" - and I've done enough research and known enough people over the years to feel strongly about that, even as I also recognize how screwed up our view of sex is and how much that contributes to the problem with pornography that exists in our culture.

The biggest reasons we have a difficult time addressing pornography correctly, in my opinion, are the conflation of nudity with porn and the Puritanical attitudes about and obsession with sex in general. There is nothing wrong with sexual urges and thoughts, in and of themselves, but we have created a culture in which almost anything that is sexual in nature is being repressed. Repression doesn't work; it only leads to explosion - and explosion is seen as gross iniquity - which leads to depression and extreme guilt - which perpetuates a cycle. 

Finally, we tend to view issues with viewing pornography much more harshly than other issues with addiction or varying levels of consumption.  We feel badly for an alcoholic and generally don't "punish" him; rather, we feel sorry for the person and do everything in our power to love her - including referrals to Alcoholics Anonymous or other professional help.  In the LDS Church, we do not excommunicate someone for struggling with alcoholic consumption - or even disfellowship him or require probation.  On the other hand, official discipline and punishment often is the track taken in dealing with viewing pornography - even if there is no abuse or other actionable issue involved (and, as a commenter pointed out, even though the Church Handbook of Instructions says clearly that discipline is NOT appropriate for those struggling with pornography, masturbation or the Word of Wisdom).  Thus, many members who struggle to any degree with pornography face the very real possibility that their struggles will not be met with love and compassion and professional referral but, instead, formal punishment and, in some cases, threat of divorce and the destruction of their lives - even in situations that would not be classified as clinical addiction.


How we treat these people (with direct punishment [both organizational and individual] and social shaming) contributes directly to most of them never confessing their problem and seeking help, which contributes to a vicious cycle of attempted repression as the only viable solution, which rarely succeeds over the long haul. 

So, what is my advice?

Preach against pornography, but don't hammer away constantly.  Understand the similarity for many people to those who struggle with alcohol consumption, and treat each person with the same foundation of love and compassion.  Provide opportunities for confession and therapy (whether with a counselor or through an addiction recovery program) without automatic, official punishment.  Encourage spouses not to threaten or consider divorce automatically, except in cases of severe addiction or when it causes other serious issues in marriage.

There is more, but what is outlined above would be a wonderful starting point.