God Really Does Know Us in Our Individual Circumstances

We got an email from our daughter serving in the Berlin mission after General Conference in October 2013, and I want to share something she wrote - since it's easy to forget that we all have very different experiences, based on the time and condition of our lives at the time. Also, we often have no idea how specific talks hit specific people - or the apparent revelation / guidance that can prompt someone to attend a particular session.

First, because of the time difference in Germany, they don't watch the sessions straight through. They tape the ones that happen during the night and watch them over the course of that weekend and the next one. I won't list their schedule, but I will say that it isn't "common sense", per se. So, when my daughter says the first session and the second session, she means the first ones that were broadcast there, not the first and second ones we watched on Saturday.

I don't pretend to understand the following, and I won't provide commentary. I just want to post it here for your consideration.

Anyway, the following is from her letter:

I just love being a missionary during General Conference. It is just so incredible that someone's talk is given at exactly the right session for when the person could come to conference!

Examples:

First Session:

This past week, we met with a convert of 16 months, who had some major questions about tithing. He had a question about it and he's been working with us with missionary work because he's just awesome like that. He had a question. Met with him again on Saturday at 3pm (a few hours before Bednar's talk) and we told him EXACTLY what Elder Bednar said. Like practically word for word even. It was sooo cool! This is great because of two reasons:

This member after talking with us felt the Spirit and received his answers he was searching for. He was excited for conference to see if what he had just felt a few hours ago would be confirmed. It was. He came to us afterwards and was like,

"That Elder Bednar. Wow, that was exactly what I needed to hear."

Second Session:

I called a less active member about 5 times Sunday morning, at first trying to get him to come to the Priesthood session. He didn't show up. I called him for the Saturday afternoon session (so 2pm on Sunday for us) about 3 times and I wasn't going to...because that's kind of annoying... haha. Anyway, I felt like I needed to keep calling him. And he came. Afterwards, I asked him which talk helped him the most and he said, "Elder Holland's! You promised me if I came, I would find help and answers!" He suffers from long-term depression, which is why he hadn't showed up to Priesthood session. He was in one of his huge slumps and I had kept calling him to help him come. He came to exactly the session he needed to be at, not the one I thought he needed to attend.

Holding On and Letting Go: Mormonism Is Unique, but Not As Unique As Many People Think

I have heard a lot of Mormons bemoan what they see as the abandonment of some unique aspects of Mormon theology and history that they believe and cherish.  I share that general concern that we not lose our uniqueness and become just another Protestant denomination, but I disagree that we have abandoned our uniqueness in an attempt to become more mainstream.  I believe we have abandoned some of the unique aspects of our historical interpretations of doctrine that I have come to see as "the incorrect traditions of our own fathers".

To frame this around missionary work and the message that is presented currently to people who are investigating the LDS Church, let me mention a few areas of improvement I see now compared to when I served a mission:

Improvement #1) My daughter served a mission in Germany just last year – and she taught most of the things most people mention loving so much. She didn’t teaching a new, watered down version of Mormonism, different than I taught almost 30 years ago. She taught the same concepts and principles – but she could dig in and tailor what she said to each person in a way I couldn't when I served.

Improvement #2) I don’t want our “folklore” taught by the missionaries, and it isn't being taught. I don’t want much of our current culture taught by the missionaries, and it isn't supposed to be taught. I want them to teach the Gospel of Jesus Christ, including the unique aspects of Mormon theology – and they are. I have no quibble whatsoever with the missionary discussions that are in Preach My Gospel – and I absolutely am a bit envious that my kids get to teach in a very different way than I had to when I served and said the same memorized words, in the same order, to every. single. person. I. taught. My daughter gets to rely on the Holy Ghost to help her teach individuals about the Gospel and the Restoration in different ways, not teach the exact same lessons to widely diverse people.

Improvement #3) I want all of the unique gems of our theology to be taught in ways that make as much sense as possible to those who are listening – and, often, that can be done better by using Biblical passages they already say they accept than to focus exclusively on the Book of Mormon. Our relationship to our Heavenly Parents is a perfect example. It is rich in the Bible and, essentially, non-existent in the Book of Mormon. Teaching it from the Bible through passages Christians supposedly already accept (even if they don’t understand them) isn’t sacrificing our teachings in any way. In fact, I see it as strengthening and emphasizing those teachings much more than I used to be able to do.

Improvement #4) There is a lot of stuff from our past that I and many people who read here don’t want taught. We’ve moved on from much of it, and we celebrate and thank God for that. Being unique and being similar (and, in some cases, exactly alike) are not mutually exclusive – and I believe it’s worth letting go of some “uniqueness” if, in fact, I believe that those unique things are not eternal and, in some cases, even are damaging and not of God. I don’t mind at all much of what we have jettisoned in my lifetime, even as I share the concern that we not jettison what I see as the wonderful aspects of our peculiarity.

That’s not an easy balance to strike, and it never will be accepted unanimously by our membership, since we all see things slightly (and even radically) differently - but I really like the fact that I see the Church leadership making an honest effort to strike that balance of both holding on and letting go.

My Letter to a Mission President re: Mission Success

Having served a mission (in Japan), having a son who served a mission (in the USA) and having a daughter who served a mission (in Germany), I have thought about what I would say to a Mission President about how to measure success as a missionary. I and my children have been fortunate with regard to Mission Presidents, but I know too many missionaries who were not as fortunate. I served immediately following the fiasco of baptism competitions that were epitomized by the term "baseball baptisms", and I know part of the reason why I didn't face intense baptism goal pressure was a direct result of the crackdown at the time. Thus, I have thought about what I would say if I heard of pressure being applied to equate success with baptismal numbers.

The following is what I have drafted as a result of my pondering:

President ___________,

I served a mission in Japan following the crackdown on practices that led to baptism contests within and among missions, quick baptisms of people who were woefully unprepared (and, in some cases, not fully aware of what they were doing) and the inevitably horrible retention rates that followed. Thus, I am sensitive to the way "success" is defined in a mission and the pressures that missionaries can face with regard to goals and, ultimately, things that are outside their control. I understand and appreciate faith and trust in the Lord, but I also understand and honor agency as the foundational gift of mortality - right alongside and part of the Atonement itself.

My only request is that "success" be defined as it is in "Preach My Gospel". That manual is crystal clear that success is not measured by number of baptisms - or any other metric that involves the agency of others. I loved my mission and understand and support completely the need for measurements of missionaries' personal efforts, but I also have friends who had horrible experiences on missions due solely to high pressure sales tactics and success metrics used by their Mission Presidents and, as a result, their AP's and Zone Leaders.

I want people to be converted more than I want people to be baptized, and, again, I want success defined as it is in Preach My Gospel, not strictly numerically. I want missionaries to be faithful, successful missionaries, but I don't want them to feel like they failed if they end up having an Elijah mission and not an Ammon mission. I would love for each of them to have an Ammon mission, but I would be happy if each of them becomes an Elijah if that is what the Lord has in store for them.

There is nothing specific to you that makes me feel uneasy or concerned, so please accept this as nothing more than the desire of my heart for my own children and all others who serve missions. I appreciate deeply your and your wife's sacrifice and dedication in accepting the call to serve as Mission Presidents and in nurturing the missionaries. May God bless you in your own efforts, and may your success be measured in the same way the success of the missionaries you serve is measured - whether you look back and feel like Ammon or Elijah.

Sincerely,

Ray DeGraw

We Can't Preach the Gospel in Antagonistic Ways and Truly Love Others

We have two competing commandments - or at least it appears that way on the surface. 

The greatest one is, “Love God and love thy neighbor as thyself,” “Love one another,” or any number of ways to phrase it. The other one is, “Preach the Gospel.” Christ said that the world would hate those who represent him, but he didn’t say that meant we should preach in such a way as to alienate automatically by our own words and actions. He generally didn’t do that (except when condemning hypocrites and the Pharisees, primarily), and neither should we. 

We can fulfill the command to preach the Gospel as well as the command to love others, but we can't do both if we approach preaching with an antagonistic spirit.  In that light, I believe strongly that we need to stop framing so much of our discourse in battle terms - us vs. others, generally, and, more specifically, us vs. "the world".  We need to stop blaming others for issues for which they are not responsible (like, for example, blaming the homosexual population for the deterioration of traditional marriage, which is the fault of the heterosexual population). 

We need to preach what we believe (including real repentance), but we need to do so from a position of love - and we can't say we "love the sinner" while using language that is not conducive to love (or in language that, as Pres. Uchtdorf said, essentially judges others for sinning differently than we do).  We can't preach repentance exclusively to others, particularly in detail; we need to preach the Gospel (including the correct principle of repentance) to ALL, including and especially to ourselves. 

At the most basic level, it's not us vs. them; rather, it's me vs. me - and us WITH them.  We can work to build up the kingdom of God on Earth, but it won't happen (won't really be the kingdom of God) if we aren't working in such a way that we simultaneously are establishing Zion - and Zion is based on a foundation of real charity. 

My Sunday School Lesson Recap: People Who Truly Value Family Don't Push Family Members Away, No Matter What

[Obviously, there are exceptions to the extreme wording of the title, but the concept still is incredibly important and, I believe, not understood deeply enough by many people - inside and outside the LDS Church.  The example my daughter shared below from her mission in Germany is an important illustration of what can happen if something is believed and lived deeply enough.]  

I took a unique approach today, after talking with my wife about what was going to happen in YW. (My wife is the Personal Progress Leader, and the entire presidency was gone today, so she arranged the lesson.) The topic for the month is "Marriage and Family", and since our daughter just returned from her mission in Germany, my wife asked her to talk with the girls during the third hour about how marriage and family is different in Germany and what she learned about those topics from her mission. I thought that would be an excellent lesson for the boys, as well, so the girls in my class joined the next younger class and left just the boys in my class (since the girls were going to hear from her the next hour, anyway).

Sarah started by mentioning that she had thought a lot about how to address the topic, since she had been bored stiff when she was their age by lessons about marriage and family. She said she always thought:

"I'm 14 (or 16). I don't care about this topic right now, especially since I've heard about a thousand lessons in my life about it."

That got a nod and laugh from everyone.

She then spent the time talking about how the German people, generally, and the German members view marriage and family - and she shared some specific examples of people and families with whom she had interacted on her mission. There is no way I can remember and record everything she said, and much of this summary has to be generalized more than when she said it, so I am going to focus on four things that were particularly striking to me: 

1) She said that Germans value family, but they tend to cut off family members entirely who do anything that is against the family wishes - even some things we would view as trivial, but especially "bigger"things, including joining the LDS Church. (One example she used is a woman in one ward whose aunt refuses to acknowledge the woman's presence when they are riding the same bus.) The fascinating result of that tendency is that members of the Church tend to go to the other extreme when they embrace the importance of family - meaning they try hard to not let ANYTHING separate them from their kids, even leaving the Church or not living standards the members view as extremely important.

She said it is very common in the wards where she served to have visiting family members who are not church members attend meetings on Sunday, even if those visitors have left the Church entirely and had their names removed from the records - that they aren't there to support the Church but rather to be with family. She said, essentially, that it's easy to see how strongly people REALLY believe in family by how they treat family members who disappoint them in some way - and there was an amazing spirit that was almost tangible when she was talking about that.

I wish everyone in the Church who badgers, hounds, judges, dismisses, rejects or in any other way mistreats family who struggle or leave could have been in the room to listen to that part, especially.

2) She said that Germans tend to be very loyal and are very committed to keeping their word - and that causes surprising issues with marriage. She said that the default in Germany is for boyfriends and girlfriends to live together, starting often as early as 16. She said they live together until they split up and simply move in with their new boy/girlfriend. Apparently, Germany has a VERY high divorce rate and a VERY low marriage rate - with the underlying assumption / belief that it's no big deal to be with whomever you "love" at the moment and then move on to the next person - and the next person - and the next person . . . She isn't sure which came first - the casual non-marriage attitude or cynicism caused by the high divorce rate, but she said the general attitude among the younger generations is:

"Why get married? It never lasts, anyway, so why bother with a ceremony and promises I'm not going to keep?"

They are devoted deeply to honesty and loyalty, but they are so jaded by such a long history of failed marriages being the norm that they have given up trying in order not to break what they see as impossible promises. This is such an assumed given by now that the people she met generally were okay with the Word of Wisdom (at least, that Mormons would accept it, even if they couldn't) and tithing (since all the churches collect money in some way from their members) - but the vast majority of people simply couldn't understand the concepts of the Law of Chastity, lifelong monogamy and eternal marriage. Again, however, when it did "click" for someone who then embraced it, it became an incredibly important, powerful part of their life - to such an extent that they would NEVER accept disowning or hounding their family members into adversarial relationships.

3) She talked about how that same attitude leaks into how the members interact with each other and those who are investigating the Church - their "extended family". Over half of the members in each unit where she served (often well over half) did not have the traditional family structure, so they saw the Church's teachings about the family as an ideal toward which they could strive in their own unique situations and which they could try to initiate for their own children - to break the cultural cycle of their own lives. They never beat themselves up over not being in the "ideal" situation; rather, they focused on having as close to an ideal "church family" as possible by accepting everyone who entered the church building as "family" and doing anything possible to make them feel loved, no matter their personal life situation.

This is the daughter who told me after her first temple trip that we work so hard to build the kingdom of God on Earth that we often forget to establish Zion, so it was especially touching to hear her describe a church experience that, while obviously not perfect, shows how it is possible to establish Zion if people are really committed to it.

4) She said that the missionaries who were the most successful working with investigators and inactive/less-active members were the ones who accepted each person and worked with them individually in whatever way honored their individual agency and showed real respect.

As an example, two Elders had taught a nine-year-old boy whose mom was active (having left the Church officially but being rebaptized about ten years ago) but whose father had requested his name be removed from the records and never rejoined. His mother wanted the boy to be baptized, but his father wouldn't give permission. The Elders taught the boy all of the lessons in about two weeks and then tried to convince the father to change his mind. To say it mildly, it didn't work.

Sarah and her companion started teaching the boy the lessons when they replaced the Elders in the ward and quickly were told about his father's opposition. Given the situation, they taught the boy about once a month and spent more time serving the family in whatever way they could - and praying every day that the father would change his mind and allow the baptism. After finishing all of the lessons, they told the father that they were done teaching the boy, that they believed he was ready to be baptized whenever the father decided it was the right time and thanked him for letting them teach his son. They continued to pray daily for the boy and his father, stopped teaching the boy and continued to serve the family as they had been.

Shortly after Sarah transferred from the area, the boy's aunt called her and told her that the father had been so impressed by the simple respect the sister missionaries had shown him as the boy's father that he had told his wife, completely out of the blue, that he would give his permission for the baptism. Less than two hours later, someone from the Area Presidency office called the mother to let her know that they wanted to schedule an interview to renew her temple covenants - not knowing her husband had just given his permission for their son to be baptized. Sarah said it was her favorite experience of her entire mission - that praying so intently for so long for the family had helped her love them (non-biological family) in a way she hadn't realized was possible previously. She said it helped her understand better how the German members felt about "extended church family" being real family - how powerful the concept of "sealing" can be when it is seen as communal and not just about biological families. 

Finally, she served about 2/3 of her mission (about a year) in what used to be East Germany. As a humorous but touching aside, she said that EVERY German member who had been in the Church for at least two generations knows Thomas Monson personally and absolutely adores him - personally but also for getting the temple built in Freiberg, which was a lifeline and indescribable strength during their decades of isolation. For example, there was a Bishop in one ward whose sister is the young girl President Monson has mentioned giving special candy to when he was visiting Berlin on one trip. They still call him "Elder Monson" in stead of "President Monson" and say:

"We know he is the Church President, but he is and always will be our Elder Monson."

It was a wonderful lesson, and I really wish more people could have heard it - but I am quite certain it made an impact on the youth who were there.

When Someone Comes Home Early from a Full-Time Mission

I have a friend online whose son returned home from a full-time mission as a result of anxiety attacks he thought were under control prior to beginning his mission.  She asked me for my advice about how to try to lessen the possible negative impact of that situation on her son, and I came across what I told her and decided to post it here. 
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One of my very close friends growing up came home early from his mission, entirely because he didn't feel right telling people they could have experiences he hadn't had. He asked for the release, and he was given an honorable release by a good Mission President who understood. I admired my friend immensely for that, and even more so when his girlfriend broke up with him because, in her words, she only wanted to marry a "real" RM. (I really loathe that attitude, and I choose that word intentionally.)  He faced some judgment from others when he returned home, but his parents were very supportive - and he has a strong testimony of compassion, love and charity as a result of his experiences.

I would share with your son the details of Pres. George Albert Smith's life - of his constant physical trials and his struggles with depression throughout his life. I would explain that Pres. Smith was one of the most loving, humble, charitable leaders we have had in the Church - and I believe his struggles were a large part of reinforcing his natural tendencies in that regard. If a President of the Church struggled as much as he did, there is NO shame or guilt whatsoever in your son's situation.

I also would have him read 2 Nephi 4 from the perspective of a clinical evaluation of Nephi. I believe there is a very good chance Nephi would have been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar disorder or something similar, based on the symptoms in that chapter. That chapter is one of the reasons he is one of my favorite prophets - not because of his recorded visions. I appreciate the struggle described in that chapter FAR more than any sanitized accounts of other prophets.

More than anything else, I simply pray for him and your family. May you be able to rise above the pettiness that you might face and be the example for others they should be for you - amid your struggles, not without them.

One of the most oft quoted verses in the Book of Mormon is 2 Nephi 25:23. It says:

"we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do."

I'm NOT going to go into the different ways that verse can be interpreted right now, but I think it might help your son in his current situation to understand that, no matter what others think about him and his release (even the leaders of your ward and stake, perhaps), and no matter how the verse above is interpreted, it says in crystal clear terms that your son has been saved by the grace of God in the specific instance of his missionary service.

Saved from what? I think it is fair to say from every negative aspect of his release. Period.

Isaiah 53:4-5 says:

Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows . . . the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

The parts I skipped don't apply to your son's situation, but the parts above do. I hope he can recognize what is taught in these three verses and accept that, in God's eyes, his service was enough - since it was "all (he) can do".

Being Endowed While Still in High School

Since the minimum age to go on a mission was lowered for young men to 18, I have been asked at least twice about how I view high school students going through the temple in preparation for leaving on a mission.  Obviously, this applies to the ones who are 18 before they graduate and are trying to leave as soon after graduation as possible. 

In general, I don't like the idea for young men in the United States, but I'm willing to accept exceptions. It's not so much the age factor as it is their place and role in the society in which we live while in high school. I also believe that there is time, no matter the circumstances, for young men to graduate from high school and then attend the temple prior to leaving on a mission.  I don't see any need to rush that process for almost every individual preparing for a mission. 

Having said that, we had neighbors growing up who were best friends of my parents. They were wonderful people and great parents. They got married in the temple when he was 23 and she was 16. She dropped out of high school to get married in the temple.

Without knowing that particular couple, I would have opposed that situation passionately - and, in general, I do oppose it. Knowing them, however, I am open to exceptions.

The Advice I Am Giving My Daughter As She Departs on a Mission

Our oldest daughter leaves to enter the MTC in less than two weeks, and she will be speaking in church today - along with one of our other daughters and me.  I will ask them if I can post their talks after they have given them, but I want to share the outline of what I will say.

I am speaking on "What Advice I Would Give My Child if S/he was Going on a Mission".  I will flesh out each piece of advice to match the overall time I have (and I will try to update this post afterward, if possible), but I want to share the overall structure of the talk while I have the chance.

1) Be yourself.  The Church isn't calling "a missionary" to go to Berlin, Germany.  It is calling you.  There is someone there who needs more than just "a missionary.  There is someone there who needs you - your unique perspective, your unorthodox views, your lack of inhibitions, your weird sense of humor - you.

You play the piano and the saxophone; don't try to play the piccolo. 

2) Love unconditionally.  Serve and help in whatever way you can, regardless of whether or not someone accepts the Restored Gospel completely and joins the Church.  Your ultimate goal is not to convert everyone.  The final result is out of your control to some degree, so do what you can: Honor agency, and love people. 

3) Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.  Learning someone's language is more than just learning how to understand and say the words they speak.  It includes learning what they really mean and what they believe, as well.

4) Teach the Gospel, not culture. 

5) Define success as it is defined in "Preach My Gospel", even if some people in your mission define it differently.  The official definition of the Church, recorded in that manual, stresses effort, not numbers.  Never forget that.

6) Pray as if everything depends on the Lord, but work as if everything depends on you.  Always combine the two: prayer and personal effort.  Take his yoke upon you - and remember a yoke joins two in order to balance strength and accomplish what one can't do alone. 

Creating Joy

I came across the following post I wrote a few years ago and felt like I should re-post it today.  I hope it helps someone, somehow: 
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One of the reasons I loved my mission so much was that both of my Mission Presidents emphasized what I already believed about the purpose of a mission – both what it means to be a missionary and how that should direct missionary effort.

The foundation: I have believed a basic concept for as long as I can remember thinking about it. I have believed it from a very early age – even before I remember hearing anyone else articulate it. I finally found the perfect, concise expression of it in the following expression: "People do not believe what they see; they see what they believe."

The missionary application: I approached my mission as an attempt to find people who would accept our version of the Gospel when they heard it (who could catch a glimpse of the vision when it was presented to them) – or, I should say, who would not reject it when they began to hear it and refuse the chance to begin to see it. It wasn't my job to try to convince them intellectually, but rather to touch them spiritually.

Some people I met said, upon hearing various things we believe, "That's crazy. You're nuts. Mormonism really is a cult if you can believe that stuff." Some said, "Say what? Whatever. I just don't get it." Others said, "I don't get it, but I’d like to hear more." Finally, a few said, "That's exactly what I've always thought/felt!" Given what little time I had, my job wasn't to convince the first two groups, but rather to find and encourage the latter two groups – to help them feel the motivating influence of the Holy Ghost. That perspective led me to say, in essence, to everyone, "Follow what you feel – not what you think about it at first. Try it; you'll like it." If someone responded with strong negativity, my response basically was, "OK. I'll find someone else." They almost always spent more time and energy trying to convince me that I was wrong than I did trying to "convert" them. I was looking for a particular type of person - someone who was looking, first and foremost, for joy – either joy they lacked or more joy than they felt at the time. As I had experienced myself, once they found a core Gospel perspective that produced the joy they were seeking, they were able to wrap their minds around the theological and doctrinal details – the other “intellectual” stuff.

The choice: I believe you can tell more about people (both inside and outside the Church) by how they deal with the joy others find outside their own organization (or with differing perspectives that bring joy inside their own organization) than perhaps by any other criterion. One type of person lacks internal joy, constantly finds fault with the joy of others and actively seeks to undercut that joy; another type is secure in his joy and not interested in the differing joy of others; the final type accepts and embraces the idea that others have their own degree of joy - and tries to add to it (and, through it, add to their own joy) whenever possible. I don’t want to argue with the healthy and happy; I want to learn from them. I want to spend just as much of my time administering joy to the sick and searching.

The blogging observation: When I entered the world of blogging, I was struck immediately by two competing forms of discussion: the vast majority of those who participate in the blogs I frequent are sincerely searching for greater understanding and increased joy. Some of them, however, seem to be stuck in a cycle of trying to understand something intellectually before they can accept it spiritually. They seem to be saying, "I will accept this once I can understand it," rather than, "This brings me joy, so I will accept it and do my best to understand it - even if that means my understanding changes periodically, or regularly, or constantly over a long period of time." They say, "My heart wants to accept this, but my mind keeps me from accepting it," rather than, "My heart accepts this, so I will exercise my mind diligently to try to understand what I have accepted - knowing that that process might not end completely in this life, but I will continue to accept it regardless, because it brings me joy."

The personal observation: I am joyful because I have chosen an outlook that brings me joy; I am at peace because I made the conscious choice from among many options. This peace and joy are not primarily intellectual. I still must exercise my mind constantly in order to understand and reconcile the issues with which I am faced daily, and I love to read the nuanced, intelligent and insightful perspectives of others, but I do so from the foundation of belief. I hear someone (anyone - inside or outside the Church) say something, and my first thought is not, “I don’t get it; it must be wrong,” but rather “How can I understand this in a way that is consistent with my understanding of the Gospel – in a way that will add to my joy?” In all seriousness, that approach has not let me down yet - particularly since I am willing to suspend disbelief when I'm not getting anywhere and revisit the issue when my mind has had time to rest and recuperate. Sometimes, what I consider to be a "full" understanding (meaning as close as I believe I will ever get to knowing fully) has taken years to achieve, and there are some questions that still sit on a shelf untouched for a time while I refine my understanding of others. I'm fine with that.

The question: Why is this? The answer: I know I am able to construct just about any intellectual justification I desire that will warrant just about any theological / philosophical / doctrinal construct I choose to accept. Given my ability to adapt a solid intellectual argument for whatever I desire to believe, I exercise my agency by focusing on what I desire to believe – what my heart and soul tells me it wants to believe - what brings me joy. I consider the options and make my choice. Again, since my brain is capable of justifying whatever choice I make, I pick my course (what kind of life I want to live), then I construct / adopt / assimilate the perspective that I feel will lead best to the end of that course.

The result: The only intellectual restriction I place on my mind is that whatever I devise must be consistent with the over-arching and under-pinning principles I hold central to my understanding of joy - in my terminology, the core principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as I understand them. I have been accused of engaging in mental gymnastics, but I believe life is, in very real and powerful ways, an obstacle course. I believe everyone plays within their own gymnasium or on their own steeple chase course (jumps through their own intellectual hurdles - or stops and refuses to surmount them) in ways that look odd to others whose conclusions are different. I understand completely the concerns others express, but the joy I feel now is my own soul's condition – what my heart/spirit has directed my mind/body to accept. I no longer feel joy; I have it - and it has me.

The REAL Elder Price: Not at all Like the Book of Mormon Musical

Rather than write my normal New Year's Resolution post today, I am going to provide links to two incredible posts about missionaries in Africa.  The articles are NOT a direct response to the Book of Mormon musical that is receiving such attention right now, but they were writen with that musical and its misrepresentation of Mormon missionaries in Africa in mind. 

The articles really are amazing.  It would be wonderful if everyone inside and outside the LDS Church could read them:

The REAL Elder Price: and the Mormon Boys - Margaret Blair Young (Meridian Magazine) 

The REAL Elder Price: Arriving in Africa - Margaret Blair Young (Meridian Magazine)

My Son Is Back from His Mission: When Fruit Grows in Uncultivated Ground

Rather than write a New Year's resolution post this weekend, I just want to thank the Lord that my son has returned from his mission safely.  He probably won't be with us long, since he needs to enroll in college somewhere within the next month, but it is wonderful to have him here for a short time. 

One of the best things about my current church calling is that I was able to hear him report on his mission in that official capacity.  It was amazing to listen to him and realize how much his faith and understanding of the central principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ have grown over the past two years.  He focused on seeing people as God sees them - as beloved sons and daughters - as our spiritual brothers and sisters. 

I loved one analogy he used in talking about Jacob 5.  He mentioned that the Lord had cultivated fruit in the worst part of the vineyard - the least desirable land available.  He then talked about how amazing it was to see people whose lives had been extremely difficult accept the Gospel and make mighty changes as the seed took root and grew in what appeared to be terrible soil.  It reminded me once again that we simply MUST NOT make judgments about who is ready and who is not.  Rather, we need to be willing to talk with everyone  - truly talk with and love them, not preach at them.  Those we naturally would overlook and not approach often are those who would accept it most passionately and fervently - no matter the apparent condition of their internal soil. 

I love you, Ryan - and I am so glad to see the man you have become.

Not Every Young Man Should Serve at 19

Today is my oldest son's 22nd birthday, and he has been a full-time missionary for just over a year.

Do the math. He left on his mission at the age of 21 - between his sophomore and junior year in college and after a year away from school. It was his choice - totally, and I honor him for the way he made his decision and what he sacrificed to serve. I don't need to detail all of those sacrifices here. Suffice it to say that we are grateful for the support and encouragement he has been given by those who love him and whom he loves, especially since not everyone understood fully why he chose what he chose.

Elder DeGraw is a wonderful missionary for multiple reasons, but, from the perspective of his father, four stand out:

1) It really was something he chose.

We lived in Ohio when he started college - in South Carolina. He was over 500 miles from home, with very little (or no) support at the college he attended. His time there was classic for a college student far from home - at least in the sense that he drifted out of full activity in the LDS Church for a while. When the meetinghouse isn't an easy walk from campus, when there is no family near to accompany, when basically nobody on campus shares your faith - it is easy to drift into inactivity.

By the time the summer following his sophomore year was approaching, he had found a wonderful young woman whom he loves dearly - as do we. It would have been very easy simply to ignore a mission and pursue his education and their relationship. He made a difficult choice, but the fact that he made that choice with his eyes wide open - and that it was truly a choice of competing goods - is part of why he is such a good missionary.

2) He is older, wiser and more experienced than he was at 19.

I understand why the Church allows young men to begin their missionary service at the age of 19. I understand the probability that many who postpone leaving will end up not serving at all. I know leaving at 19 was the right thing for me to do - as was leaving before I started college. I know that serving at 19 is best as the standard for the Church as a whole. Having said all that, the extra two years gave him benefits he simply could not have had without them and made him able to relate to others with whom he might not have related if he had left earlier.

3) He is his own, unique self.

This, above all else, is what I believe contributes to his success as a missionary. He has a unique sense of humor - which I try to blame on his mother, but . . . He has a real love for others and a deep desire to serve and help and connect. He is not fake or contrived or false in any way. He is himself - the person he found largely during the time between his 19th birthday and the day he left for the MTC.

4) He has found out for himself, in serving and teaching others, the power and beauty of the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ.

His discovery permeates the letters he writes home. It shines through the sporadic timing of those letters, although they are no more sporadic than our letters to him - another characteristic I try to blame on his mother. It fills the communications we receive from those he has taught. It is obvious, and it fills his parents with great joy.

I love you, son - and I am SO deeply proud of you. I love you, too, Ashton - and I am SO grateful my son found you.

Mission Introduction Humor: Blogging Insight

I just told my son that I have heard from two other bloggers who know missionaries going to his mission starting the same day. He laughed and said:

Every time I transfer to a new area, I'm going to have to make sure my introduction includes the fact that I'm the son of the blogger known as "Ray" and "Papa D". I'm going to have built-in family friends on my mission.

I really like the Bloggernacle. It really makes a big world a little bit smaller.

Forget Forgiveness

Sorry, that title is just a way to say that I'm too excited about my son's mission call to write about forgiveness this weekend. So, for this weekend, at least, I am forgetting about forgiveness. *grin*

Washington, Everett Mission!!

My oldest is old enough to be going on a mission.

I'm now officially old.

**Shakes it off.**

Washington, Everett Mission!!

Can you tell I'm excited?

My Son's Mission Announcement!!

EDITED @ 5:00PM EST:

My oldest son received a large envelope from SLC a few minutes ago. Any guesses where he will be going before I post the details?

drum roll . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the

Washington, Everett Mission (Northwest Washington State) - reporting on June 24th

(Aileen, I almost had a heart attack when he started by saying, "Washington". Almost.)

The Impossible Is Possible

Due to my mother’s condition and their relative poverty, my parents always assumed they would be unable to serve as a senior missionary couple. After talking for a long time about how they might be able to do so, my parents turned in papers to serve a mission at Cove Fort - something that my mother “could do” without much stress and that was possible with their limited budget. They had discussed it with their bishop, who explained my mother’s special circumstances and their financial situation in his endorsement. In everyone’s mind, it was a done deal.

They were called to South Carolina, to be active proselyting missionaries. They were speechless and very concerned, but they decided to accept the call - knowing they couldn’t afford it and not sure how my mom would handle it.

They left home on a five day drive. Three days later, while they still were two days from the mission, an elderly sister called the Mission President and told him that she had felt an incredibly strong impression to donate her house, free of charge, to the Church for use by the Mission for any senior couple who might need it. She would move in with her daughter and son-in-law for however long the house was needed. My parents lived in that house for 10 months, which allowed them to serve the entire 18 month mission on the money they had available.

My mother’s health issues subsided while they served and only surfaced again after they returned home. They made deep and lasting friendships, and they wouldn’t change it for the world.

God's hand operates all around us - not always in such visible and undeniable ways as my parents' mission, but powerfully, nonetheless. The thing that strikes me most deeply about my parents' experience is that they had no idea how they would be able to do what they had been called to do. It literally was impossible without the direct and active participation of the Lord, and it took them stepping out into the darkness and committing to do something they knew they couldn't do for it to happen. They literally had to drive over a thousand miles from home on an impossible mission before the solution to their situation was revealed - before it became possible.

Often, it is important to approach senior missions as my parents did - researching the options and applying for a specific assignment. However, the “factory mill” of mission callings that many members imagine (filling slots with whoever submits papers at the time) isn’t the case. I have no idea who made the decision to ignore my parents’ and their bishop’s carefully considered and articulated plans, but my parents and I will bless them eternally for being prompted to do so.

Exercising Faith and Seeing the Hand of God

Due to my mother's health (My Niece Died This Morning) and their relative poverty, my parents assumed they would never be able to serve a "regular" mission as a couple. However, after talking with their bishop extensively they decided that they would be able to serve at Cove Fort (an historical site not far from their home), since it would not be stressful on my mother and would cost very little. They planned everything accordingly, submitted their papers with that specified by themselves and their bishop (with an explanation about why a regular mission would be impossible) and waited for confirmation of those plans.

They were called on an active proselyting mission to South Carolina - at the full cost for such a mission.

They had no idea how they would be able to do it - both in light of my mother's condition and their finances (they literally didn't have enough money to do it), but they accepted the call, attended the required training and left Utah to drive to South Carolina - not knowing beforehand what they would do.

It was a five-day drive for them. Three days into their journey, an elderly sister called their new Mission President and told him that she had received a strong impression that she was to offer the use of her small house to the mission - to be used for any couple who needed to serve in that area, totally free of charge. She would live with her son and daughter-in-law for as long as the mission needed her home.

The Mission President was unaware of my parents' dilemma, but he immediately felt impressed to have my parents live in that house and serve in that area. They did so for 10 of the 18 months they served - building lasting friendships and having a wonderful experience, and seeing their meager savings extend almost to the penny for what they needed for that mission.

God's hand operates all around us - not always in such visible and undeniable ways as my parents' mission, but powerfully nonetheless. The thing that strikes me most deeply about my parents' experience is that they had no idea how they would be able to do what they had been called to do. It literally was impossible without the direct and active participation of the Lord, but it took them stepping out into the darkness and committing to do something they knew they couldn't do for it to happen.

There is a valuable lesson in there, I believe.

"Ready for the Gospel"

I think the injunction to preach to all is followed very well by “The Church” and much less well by the members. I know some of the most successful contacts on my mission were with people who didn’t seem “ready” for the Gospel - and that included the punker, the man living with his girlfriend, the addict AND the rich and well-educated. Yet, in my callings, I constantly see and hear members talking about who might be “ready” to hear and accept the Gospel - as if there is a formula that can be followed. There simply isn’t.

Everyone is a potential disciple of Christ from our limited perspective. Pres. Hinckley was asked once why we send missionaries to Christian areas and countries. His answer, in essence, simply was that we can't know who is looking for more truth about Jesus until we ask them. I really love that answer. I would add that we have no idea who yearns for a better understanding of their divine nature until we ask.

"Remember" as a Missionary Principle

As I've said previously, my mind wanders to and fro trying to understand everything a little better as I go about my daily life. What grounds me, however, are my experiences - things that are so vivid and unexplainable that I simply can't let my mind move me away from them. When you have experienced the truly miraculous, everything else is secondary.

For example, I would assert that the core of this experiential conviction is summarized perfectly in the foundational missionary verse we too often overlook while quoting those that follow. We speak constantly of the "challenge" written in Moroni 10:4-5 (read here), but when I attended Seminary so long ago, the verses we memorized included Moroni 10:3 (read here). In that verse, we are told to "remember" *before* we ponder and pray. We aren't told to read, ponder and pray; we are told to read, *remember*, ponder and pray - and we are told explicitly to remember how merciful the Lord has been throughout history. In effect, we are told to "experience" vicariously His grace and mercy toward others - that He has spoken to people for thousands of years - and use their experiences to help us come to believe that we can have a similar experience. Their experiences serve as the foundation for our faith in the possibility of our own.

I think we do a terrible disservice to our religion and its missionary effort when we preach "read, ponder and pray" apart from our collective, experiential memory - when we make gaining a testimony an intellectual, or even strictly prayerful, process void of contemplation and reflection on previous experience (both our own and others'). So, the next time you are sharing a "missionary moment" with someone, please remember to help them "remember" by sharing how merciful the Lord has been to you and others before you ask them to read, ponder and pray - or even attend Church with you. Testify of His grace and mercy first; of the things that He has taught you second; of the fact that He can do the same for them last. Too often we short-circuit that process and deprive both ourselves and others of an amazing experience.

God Bless the Izas of This World

Sometimes you read something that makes you re-evaluate your assumptions about a particular scriptural account - that slaps you in the face and forces you to re-think the stereotypes you hold without thinking - that makes you LITERALLY cry and rejoice simultaneously. The following link did that for me tonight. Please read it - then tell everyone you know to read it.

We sit in relative comfort, and it is easy to forget or not even recognize the true power of the Gospel and Grace of God. I hope I NEVER forget this story and that, somehow, I can bless the lives of the Izas all around me - even if their individual trials are not the exact same.

Click on this link to read about Iza