My Talk in Church Today: Gratitude

I spoke today about gratitude. My daughter is sick, so I don't have time to do a full outline or summary, so the following is a condensed version:

Colossians 2:6-7 - "abounding therein with thanksgiving"

Two-edged sword - (Ammonihah = gratitude on steroids; public acknowledgment can be boastful, especially when righteousness is implied, and can hurt those who don't share the same blessings [talk on marriage and family last month as example])

Gratitude does not mean constant happiness. Life is difficult and brings trials and grief - moments that make gratitude hard. Also, biological issues like depression, bi-polar disorder, anxiety, etc. can inhibit one's ability to feel gratitude and joy. None of those things constitute sin. I pray that nothing I say will add in any way to the burdens carried by anyone here today.

Being grateful also does not mean we have to be thankful for our trials themselves. Rather, it means being thankful for what we learn from those trials. Let me give two examples of what I mean:

My mother's schizophrenia (not grateful for it but grateful for what I learned as a result of it)

Friend whose daughter died unexpectedly (He wasn't grateful she died, but he was grateful he was able to draw closer to God as a result. Nobody should ever say he should be grateful for that trial.)

I hope nobody here feels unworthy in some way if you can't thank God for a particular trial, but I also hope you can be thankful, now or in the future, for what you will learn as a result of that trial.

Three degrees of love, gratitude and service: God = telestial; friends / same (including family) = terrestrial; enemies / different (including family) = celestial

Michelle's weekly blessing list that has helped her see and recognize her blessings as they happen, rather than only in hindsight

My blessing list (Due to time constraints, only "For the Strength of the Hills" and a description of John Daniel Malan's sacrifice for his testimony.)

Definition of praise and honor in our theology being centered on doing and becoming - need to show gratitude and not just to verbalize it (although saying it is critical, too)

Plan of Happiness works for some people; Plan of Salvation works better for other people. I pray I can help everyone be grateful as a result of their interactions with me, whether pursuing happiness or receiving salvation is more powerful to them.

Invitation to count our blessings every day and then work to bless others - to show our gratitude in visible, tangible ways

A Raw, Searing, Beautiful Post about Depression and Faith

The Real Me - Patty (I Believe in Christ)

Depression: A Personal Explanation from One Who Suffers

I have a friend who has struggled with depression for many years.  We were talking about the effects of depression on many members for whom it (and other similar issues) are difficult to control.  He shared the following and gave me permission to share it here.  (the bolding is mine; the underlining his)  I hope it helps someone, somehow, in some way: 

One of the issues that I think can stand some scrutiny is the issue of what happens to worldview with a mental illness. All my life I was taught "The light of Christ is given to all men so they can know good from evil. If you do what's right, you will be blessed (always with the caveat that it may be in the next life that you are blessed, leaving you holding the bag in this life)." This is a great principle. It sounds like a law of physics or a mathematical equation - when you do x, y will happen. You pray, you get a feeling someone is listening. You serve others, you get a warm fuzzy feeling inside. So what happens when it doesn't work for you? Did I just fall out of the human race/all men category?

We like rules to be comprehensive and without exception so we can count on them. Without rules that follow accepted patterns, the apple cart is upended and the whole world around you goes into flux. "I don't know what I can count on anymore when life itself seems to change on a daily basis." This way of thinking could end tomorrow, or it could go on for decades or until the end of my life. It is a shame that we mentally ill folk are so complicated ("Doc, what do I do?" "Take two aspirin and call me in the morning." "Bishop, I don't feel things anymore. How do I feel the spirit?" "Just pray, and it will come to you.") The 2 + 2 equation breaks down like light around the event horizon of a black hole (perhaps a more apt analogy than I intended!) Thus, it is not unreasonable to conclude that for some members or non-, just doing the "prescribed" church standard answers will not necessarily result in an invariably positive result. Ergo: faith crisis that may or may not have a resolution subject to missionary discussion-level prescriptions for "finding the truth."

I am not looking for anyone to diagnose or try to treat me or my issues. I have shared what I have shared simply to put forth the idea for discussion that there are people in the faith community of the LDS Church for whom the normal rules do not appear (I chose that word carefully) to work the same as they do for many others, or even themselves earlier in their lives. This is not a necessary consequence resulting from sin, lack of faith, apostasy, or not "doing the right things." I invite you to comment on this as you see fit.

If I could speak for others who may feel like me, I would want to say "we just want to know that we are not excluded (by biology, by genetics, by disease, by spiritual state, by nature) from what other faith-holding saints are able to feel and recall on a daily basis that guides them on their walk through life." But I have to admit, I do feel like God has made an exception for us and struggle to believe that what happens in my life and my heart are evidence of a "loving" Father in Heaven.

It is possible to feel alone standing in a room crowded with people - depending on if you feel excluded (not even necessarily by them but from them). It is extremely difficult when you feel the same way about God.

Exercising Faith When Church Attendance Hurts in Some Way

I was asked to speak once in a ward I was visiting - last minute, since the assigned speaker was sick. The topic was faith and how to exercise it.

As I sat on the stand thinking and praying about what to say, I felt a very strong impression to share with the congregation the examples of two people - my mother (who is schizophrenic) and a good friend from a previous ward (who suffers from depression and is bi-polar). I did so at the very beginning of my talk, with the explicit statement that I agreed with the previous speaker with regard to most members, but that I wanted to talk to anyone in the congregation who felt overwhelmed and guilty every time someone spoke about faith and how life is so much better if we only exercise more faith. I then went ahead and talked about how faith really is enduring to the end in the face of not knowing or experiencing confirmation - that, for some people, simply getting out of bed and attending church knowing they would hear messages that worked for others but would hurt them was the supreme act of faith.

I won't share the rest of this story in this post, but I will never forget the rest of that day and the confirmation I received that my impression really was pure revelation (the uncovering of something I had no way of knowing on my own). I will thank God for that revelation for the rest of my life.

A Short Post about Depression and Robin Williams' Death

I've been thinking about how to write about my feelings regarding Robin Williams' death. 

First, I loathe it when stats concerning the legal use of anti-depressants are used as criticism of any kind.  I am so glad such use is becoming more acceptable, and criticism of any kind only furthers the stigmatization of depression and discourages people from getting the help they need. 

Second, I love so much of Robin Williams' work, but my favorite scene of any of his movies was near the end of "What Dreams May Come" - when he apologizes to his wife for leaving her when she was institutionalized and promises not to leave her again, even if that means he will spend eternity in Hell with her. It hit me hard, because that's how I feel about my wife: I would rather live with her in Hell than be alone in Heaven. Life would be too dark without her, even in Heaven.

The world just got a little darker, but Heaven just got a little lighter. May we each, in our own way, make Earth a little lighter – and may we NEVER add to the darkness of those who fight the dragon of depression. 

Struggles with a Joy-Focused Church: The Plan of Salvation vs. The Plan of Happiness

I wondered a long time ago if people who have some sort of disorder (like depression of any kind, bi-polar disorder, social anxiety, etc.) are more prone to difficulty in a church that teaches, "Men are that they might have joy," and is such a social, "life-style" religion. I have come to believe that they do, and, to paraphrase Jesus, those who do NOT face those sort of things probably are the "whole" who need not a physician - and who struggle to be a physician in practical terms. 

As an additional note, this is another reason I don't want people who struggle in some way because they are different to leave the Church. Many of them are the very people who could serve the sick who need a physician - and educate the whole about minimizing their contributions to worsening the sickness of others.

In that light, I have noticed a movement over the last few years to replace "The Plan of Salvation" with "The Plan of Happiness".  I understand and appreciate the reasoning behind that new focus, but I also understand that such a change constitutes a two-edged sword.  For those who are inclined to be able to feel happiness more readily than others - or those for whom the concept of a salvation doesn't resonate all that deeply, due to the relative goodness of their lives - the idea of God granting them happiness if they pursue it can be a powerful motivation and an empowering goal.  For those who are prone to depression, lack of self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, tendencies toward feeling overwhelmed, destructive perfectionism, etc., however, happiness can seem elusive (and, in too many cases, even guilt-inducing and burdensome) - while the concept of being saved from grief, pain, sorrow, struggle, etc. can be powerful and empowering. 

I like each phrasing, in a proper setting and with proper application, so I prefer the use of both descriptions rather than exclusive reliance on either one.  I think there is even greater power and empowerment in combining the two and emphasizing both when talking publicly, and I believe doing so can help those who naturally would gravitate to one over the other appreciate and gain strength occasionally from the one that does not resonate most naturally for them. 

A Personal Example of Why I Believe in Inspiration

I was visiting one of the branches in our stake a few years ago and had a really neat experience. For the full picture:

My daughter had to return to college after the Thanksgiving break, and, given the timing of her available ride, I thought I might not be able to attend the branch I normally visited each fourth Sunday. At the last minute, she told me that her friend who would be driving wasn't going to be ready until after our ward's meetings were over (completely unexpectedly) - so I had time to visit the branch and make it back in time to take her to her friend's house.

When I arrived at the branch, the counselor who was conducting told me that one of the speakers probably wouldn't be able to make it - so he asked if I would be willing to speak, if necessary. I agreed - and told him to put me last so I could take whatever time was left.

The topic for the day was "happiness" - so I started thinking about it as soon as I sat down, which was about five minutes before the meeting was to start. I immediately had a thought that I suppressed, since it just didn't seem like something someone normally would say in Sacrament Meeting - especially with the Stake President visiting and sitting on the stand. You see, it was, in a nutshell:

"Not everyone can be happy just by keeping the commandments, praying, attending church and reading the scriptures."

Instead, I looked through the scriptures and started crafting a more traditional talk.

As the first speaker began, I realized she was giving a good but quite predictable talk about happiness - and focusing on the benefits of the things I mentioned above. It really was a very well-organized, thoughtful talk. The second speaker spoke similarly - with different verses and different focal areas, but also stressing the things I mentioned above. It also really was a very good talk. In the middle of both talks, the same basic thought hit me - each time progressively stronger. So, I changed focus and looked for a way to teach the idea that hit me and still make it inspiring and not dismissive in any way of the other talks.

I started by mentioning my struggle to accept my first impression, then I read Psalms 46:10 and focused on the injunction, "Be still, and know that I am God." I mentioned that having a mother with schizophrenia had taught me a lot about happiness. I said that my father did two things for her to help her be happy: 1) He sought professional help and found medication that controlled her schizophrenia; 2) He shouldered ALL the responsibilities for the family in order to shield her from worry and anxiety. I said that my father's example was an extreme one due to my mother's condition, but I stressed that the same basic approach was important for many people.

I then mentioned that I had really enjoyed the previous two talks and that their advice was excellent for the vast majority of us - but that there are some members who struggle with depression or bi-polar disorder or other issues who feel crushing weight when they translate what someone says about happiness as:

"If you only tried harder, you wouldn't be unhappy. It's all your fault. You're useless and hopeless."

I mentioned that I believe those people must: 1) find out if there are medicines and/or coping mechanisms that can help control their debilitating tendencies; 2) find a way to "Be still, and know that I am God." They need to understand and accept the idea that the Atonement redeems us from things that we didn't choose, like the chemical imbalances that cause depression and other issues - that they are not "guilty" of those feelings and the attendant struggles they cause.

I then quoted Matthew 11:28-30 and focused on the part that says, "Take my yoke upon you, and I shall give you rest." I said that many people are so busy in their everyday lives that they fail to find time simply to pray, contemplate, meditate, ponder and rest. I asked everyone in the congregation to try to find ways to "be still" and "receive rest" - so that they could have time and energy to "count their blessings" and "see what God has done" in their lives. I finished by explaining how my wife has kept a blessings list (through her blog) each weekend and what that has done to her daily perspective over the last three years.

Now, to address the title of this post:

A woman came up to the stand after the meeting and told me that she had woken up that morning and almost decided not to come to church. She said she has been battling depression for a long time and that it has been worse the past few months since her father died. She told me the Branch President has been very supportive and "wonderful", but that she almost stayed home. She said she felt a strong impression to go anyway - at least to Sacrament Meeting. She then said that the moment I started speaking (before I had even addressed the issue of depression), she had felt an incredible peace flow through her and the thought entered her mind:

"See, someone understands what you are going through. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. It's OK; I love you just as you are."

 
  I don't know the mechanics of inspiration, and I have no idea why things like this happen for some and not for others. I just know I really do believe in inspiration - and that there is someone out there who really does know us as individuals.

Church Callings and Depression

A friend once told me she was struggling with depression and that not being able to magnify her calling in the Church was making that depression even worse.  She asked for my advice.  The following is what I wrote to her:

If your calling is leading to depression, ask to be released - with an honest explanation of the depression. Say something like:

"I need to get a handle on my depression. I have to focus on getting me right. I can't serve in this calling any longer. I don't want to have this calling, not serve and be guilt-ridden for it, so I need to be released - immediately."

Understand that your health is more important than a calling, so remember that "guilt" doesn't apply in a case like yours. You are not "guilty" if you are doing something constructive and necessary to battle depression.

I can't say that forcefully enough.
 
Your depression and its effects are covered by the concept of "Atonement" ("redeeming" you from things you didn't choose) - and recognizing that a big part of accepting the Atonement is placing your mental and emotional health first and tackling it as the core issue is a huge step in dealing properly with depression. It's not selfish; it's not wrong; there is no "guilt".
 
If something you are doing is causing clinical depression, stop doing it - even if it is a church calling.  You can return to serving in a calling (that one or another one) once you have a handle on your depression. 

Depression: Prayer, Study & Obedience Alone Are Not the Proper Answers

Depression and other complications of mortality can wreck havoc on one's ability to repent (change) and have joy - and they can lead to crushing guilt that can be seen at the extremes of self-criticism and self-hatred.

Praying harder, studying more, "obeying" more intently, etc. are not the proper initial or all-encompassing answer for people struggling with these types of issues. Finding good medication and/or coping techniques must be the foundation, since such problems won't disappear or become manageable until the imbalances that are causing the issue(s) are controlled to whatever degree possible.

The same can be said of almost anyone and any issue (that proper coping techniques are vital), but actual physiological issues must be approached differently and openly and without guilt or shame being added by others when traditional answers just don't work.

The Burden of Depression: Judge Not

I once gave a woman a blessing who was suffering from depression and other related issues. I had no idea of this at the time; she simply called and asked for a blessing.

In the blessing, I remember distinctly hearing her be told that the greatest source of her pain in this life would never go away - that she would struggle with it until the day she died. (Again, I had no idea what the source was. I figured it was some physical ailment when I thought about it afterward.) I also remember distinctly hearing her be told that the joy and freedom she would experience in the next life would be even more exquisite than the pain she would feel here. It was a powerful blessing, and I walked out of her house feeling grateful for the blessing of having been the voice.

Years later (after we had moved away), I was back in town visiting, and I mentioned her blessing to her and asked how she was doing. She told me that she had been crushed by it and had decided to not ask me for a blessing ever again. I asked why, since the promised blessings had been so great. She looked at me with a perplexed look and asked what I meant, so I explained my memory of the blessing.

Her face registered shock, and she said to me, “I never heard the statement that I would be blessed. When I heard that the source of my pain would not be healed, I was so crushed that I tuned out the rest of the words.”

That experience taught me more about depression and other related issues than anything I have ever studied. She had carried an additional burden with her for years after receiving that blessing. She had seen that “blessing” as a “cursing” - and that “understanding” wasn’t at all her “fault”. It wasn’t anyone’s “fault”; it simply was what it was - the reaction of a woman caught in the middle of depression.

Oh, and my son’s insulin is no different in my mind than a pill someone takes for depression. They both are wonderful blessings.

I Repeat, Thank God for Drugs

(I wrote the following to someone whose friend said anti-depressants are no different than alcohol:)

Depression is, to a large degree, for many people, a physiological disability - one that can be moderated only through administering changes to the body. Your friend is discussing two approaches:

One is using a generic drug (alcohol) to cover one's problems by ignoring and suppressing them, while the other is using targeted drugs (prescribed by someone who, hopefully, has a better understanding of the big picture) to alleviate and address the actual condition that causes the depression. Alcohol causes multiple other issues, particularly since it is being self-administered. It's like using a shotgun to kill a fly without considering what else is being killed in the process. The difference is simple and clear and important.

As gently as I can say this, your friend's concern comes across as an attempt to justify her choice of drug rather than an attempt to deal properly with whatever is causing her to drink. If I were you, I would suggest to her that she should let someone who can address the actual symptoms help her. "Self-medicating" is rarely a good idea; it's much better to use prescribed drugs (in the vast majority of cases addressing depression) than it is to try to drink away the depression - for many reasons.

To those who cannot understand why Mormons would (I believe, should) use prescription drugs, I would say, "Depression is a natural result of the Fall - of mortality - for many. We are commanded to strive to overcome the natural (wo)man. We are NOT commanded to do it on our own, as individuals, without the help of medical advances. Why would we not use those advances?"

A friend of mine was diagnosed with leukemia a couple of years ago. My second son has Type I diabetes. Almost everyone would call them completely stupid if they refused the chemo and insulin and other treatment medicine now can provide. Depression is NO different; not a bit. Anyone who chastises someone for taking prescribed anti-depressants just doesn't get it.

You Heard Me: Thank God for Drugs

The use of prescribed drugs is a soapbox issue for me because of my experiences growing up (my mother's schizophrenia), studying at an intensely competitive college (with its attendant issues of pressure and depression), counseling women dealing with various depressive issues and trying to get members to look differently at perfection and repentance. There are things we can do to lessen the stress that contributes to depression, but criticizing Mormonism is not one of them.

Teaching uplifting messages about divine potential (for men and women), teaching people to strive to be better than they naturally are, teaching people to follow the teachings of Jesus, ad infinitum - that is NOT a bad thing, especially if it leads people to accept medical help, to be better people and closer to what they want to be, to accept other people despite things that "the world" classifies as marginalizing disabilities, to allow those with expertise to serve others through that expertise, ad infinitum.

Yes, this is a soapbox issue for me, since I have spent decades trying to heal the wounds that misguided criticism and condemnation and unrealistic expectations have caused and continue to cause. Categorizing anti-depressant use as a bad thing stigmatizes those who use them - not just the organization to which those who use them belong. The broad brush touches all within its strokes, and it is a destructive and debilitating brush that should be discarded and burned.