If You Want to Be a Force for Good at Church: First, Don't Blame Those Who Struggle

There was a discussion in a leadership meeting I attended once that centered on the question of why members left the Church and what we could do about it. I knew how it probably would go naturally, so I piped up right at the beginning and said that most of the people who have left with whom I have talked personally mention being bored and feeling unfed at church - and that the best thing we can do, in my opinion, is to make our services and classes and meetings at all levels and of all kinds more spiritual and more spiritually filling.

Of course, there was an initial, immediate reflection of that onto the people who don't come prepared to feel the Spirit (as if it's their own fault for not feeling fed and feeling bored), but the conversation eventually ended up focusing on the "standard" idea that everyone needs a friend, something to do and nourishment with the good word of God. I agreed and simply pointed out that it is up to the leadership of each ward and branch to set the example of nourishing with the good word of God and insist that the membership do that, as well, to the best of their ability.

This is one issue where I agree completely with the "standard Sunday School answer". Everyone needs a friend (someone with whom s/he can talk honestly and openly without being judged or condemned), something to do (to not feel like a nobody and to serve others) and spiritual nourishment. One is social; the next is active personal; the last is spiritual.

If all three of these things were provided to every member, there still would be issues - but they would be much fewer, far between and less serious. So, my advice to everyone:

If you want to be a force for good at church, be a real friend to someone at church, find something to do at church that is important and meaningful to you (whether that is an official calling or not) and provide nourishment of the good word of God to those who need it (including yourself, if you aren't getting it directly at church as much and as often as you'd like).

How Can I Support a Gay Family Member or Friend?

The following are suggestions that were given in a thread in which I participated about how to support a gay member, focusing especially on the question of how to do so in the LDS Church.  I came across that thread again and want to share the suggestions, of which the first three are mine - and the last one comes from a friend who has struggled mightily to stay actively involved in the Church despite what he hears regularly in church from people who don't realize he is gay.  It's hard to express how much I admire and respect him:

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1) Don't approach the member about it proactively, if that member has not told people that s/he is gay. The decision to share one's sexual orientation should be a personal one, and forcing it before someone is ready to deal with all of the reactions is cruel and simply wrong.  Don't take it upon yourself to ask the person about it, especially if you aren't 100% certain.

2) Talk in the person's presence about acceptance and unconditional love generally (not specific to homosexuality), regardless of whatever issues might exist, but don't be obsessive about it - and do it in other situations, as well, so it's not obvious you are targeting one person and/or family with that message.

3) If the person comes out, offer support immediately and openly - and charitably. Damn the consequences with other people in the moment; support the person. Having said that, do it in a way that doesn't alienate others simply as a result of how you respond - in support of the person, not by attacking anyone else.

4) Keep an open mind, and learn to deal with your own feelings before it becomes a problem - then be ready to help others. A person who is gay is just like the rest of us in every other way, looking for love and acceptance. If two humans love and respect each other, that is enough to overcome all differences.

5) Let the person know that there are people who love him and will support him no matter what. He needs to know that he will have somewhere to turn if he needs help.

6) Support people who are gay by just treating them like you treat all your family members and friends, with lots of love and respect. You don't have to do anything different, and they don't want anything different.

7) As a gay man myself, I think it's very important to stress that gay people will talk when they're ready, and not before. They also won't talk about it unless they either a) have felt out the situation/person well enough to feel it's safe, or b) have come to such a deep crisis that they either have to talk about it, come out, or self-destruct. The self-destruct part can take a couple of forms. One is the obvious--suicide attempts. Other ways of self-destructing include developing addictions to numb the pain, self-mutilation, participation in highly risky sexual behavior, and internalized self-hatred.

There is a great resource that you can download from a group called the "Family Acceptance Project" that might be helpful for you to read and keep in mind. Here is a link:  http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/LDS-booklet

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I also want to add the link to the Church's own website about this issue.  It is worth viewing, especially by any members who struggle to accept and love people who are homosexual for who they are:

Mormons and Gays (mormonandgays.org)

Charity: Really Good People Can Believe Really Bad Things

I had an experience a long time ago that is a great example of why I try so hard to understand people as well as possible and not reject them, even as I reject things they say and believe. I was thinking about it again recently, and decided to post my thoughts about it here. 

I have a long-term friend, someone I admire greatly in many ways, who is a wonderful, caring person - overall. She would do anything for family and friends in order to try to help them. She has had many experiences that I accept as profound, spiritual, enlightening, etc. There is so much to love and respect about her. I really do love her dearly - but it's hard for me to be around her for any extended period of time. A recent experience with someone else brought that up in my mind again.

She is a political extremist, and her extreme is on the other side of the middle from where I am politically. She will corner people and explain, in dire terms, what is coming if her political agenda is not established - if the wrong candidate is elected (in whatever election is next, at whatever local or national level). The world isn't just falling apart; the end of all we hold dear is imminent. Frankly, I believe she is over the paranoia line in that area - and listening to her conspiracy theories is nearly unbearable for me.

I really do love her - and she really is, at heart, a kind, caring, loving, dedicated person. It's just hard to remember that in the moment as soon as she inevitably starts on a political diatribe. It's not worth answering her openly, especially since she doesn't talk in church like she does privately (as she understands that church isn't the place to discuss politics at her desired level for private conversations).

I have learned a lot from her over the years I have known her. She is intelligent and insightful in many ways.

My point is simple:

My dear friend is fully human, and I can't blame or castigate her for that. I love her as deeply as I do only because I've stuck around long enough to see, to some degree, the full person she is - even as I want to run away screaming quite often when she launches her soap box missiles. If we weren't members of the same church, I wouldn't have gotten to know her as well as I do - and that would have been a shame, even as it hasn't been easy to deal with her regularly.

I try to remember that whenever I start expecting others to be all that I would like them to be - and I try also to remember everyone who talks with me and walks away shaking their heads at my own beliefs, but who also continue to talk with me, regardless. It's easy to forget how many people there are in that group - and it's important for me to model the charity and patience so many people have shown and continue to show me.

Discretion Is the Better Part of Just about Anything

Discretion is the better part of just about anything. It's important to recognize and acknowledge that.

I can't say everything I might want to say in any group with whom I associate. I weigh my words all the time, both to consider their effect on me and to be careful of their effect on those who hear them. I try not to be misunderstood, even if I'm not fully understood. I don't succeed all the time in that effort, but I try. 

That's just part of life. Anything else is selfishness and lack of charity.

It's easy to forget that and think that church life is or should be different - that it should be a place where we can forget discretion and just say whatever we think and believe without filters of any kind. It's not that way, and it can't be - since it's a gathering of people who are just as short-sighted and weak as I am.

I'm not looking to carve out any "otherness" in the Church for any group of people. I'm looking to be a Papa D Mormon - for John Doe to be a John Doe Mormon - for Whomever to be a Whomever Mormon, etc. That's all, but it's vitally important to me - and discretion is the better part of that - just as it is for our apostles and local leaders, I would add.

I think leaders really do try to accomplish that (use discretion) well over 90% of the time. Even in cases like I've described here in some threads, with decisions and actions that left me scratching my head in bewilderment and caused some people real pain, most of the time the leaders involved really are trying to do the best they can.

They're human. Life is pain, because we humans inflict pain - because even our best efforts are undertaken as we see through a glass, darkly.

That's all I'm saying - that, given our collective humanity, discretion is the better part of everything we do, in all situations, among the people in all of our associations. I can't control them; I try to control me, to the best of my ability; I hope that I will not be held to a higher standard than I can reach, so I try my hardest not to hold others to a higher standard than they can reach.

That's easy when I like the others and they aren't hurting me and others in any significant way; it's not so easy when I don't like the others and/or they are hurting me and others in real, significant ways. Sometimes, I need to bite my tongue; sometimes I need to speak out; always I need to exercise discretion and think before I act - including before I speak.

Sunday School Lesson Recap: "To Mormons, with Love"

Rather than trying to recreate the conversation flow from class last week, I'm simply going to post the talking points we covered - with some examples of what was said by the students. It was a wonderful experience.

Since the topic this month is "Building the Kingdom of God on Earth", I shared the main suggestions from the book, "To Mormons, with Love" (written by Chrisy Ross, a non-denominational Christian living in Utah County) - and we talked about each suggestion, both in terms of how we share the Gospel (now and when they serve missions) and how we interact with non-Mormons, generally. In each case, after discussing the basic concept, we talked about how they would feel if someone in a different religion acted how we sometimes act when dealing with non-members.

To Mormons:

• Know Other Religions: One of the students mentioned how much she hates it when one girl at school keeps telling her what Mormons believe - and is wrong every time. I mentioned how many comments I've heard in church meetings about what others believe that simply are wrong.

• Referring to “the Collective”: Everyone agreed that this is a bit creepy, when they really thought about it.

• Elusive Non-Members: Living in an area where they are the minority, they didn't understand this one at first. I was glad to see that lack of understanding.

• Don’t Proselyte (Try to Convert Others): One of the students shared an experience when he was invited to dinner at a new friend's house - and the friend's parents spent the whole time trying to convince him that the LDS Church was bad and that he needed to become Baptist. They understood the importance of getting to know someone and being a real friend first and really loved the following quote:

“Long-lasting friendships can be tainted by an early effort to proselytize. A new family in an LDS neighborhood does not want to feel like the first thing everyone wants to do is change who they are and what they believe.”

• Explain Invitations: One of the students said that he invited a friend to a ward party, not realizing it was a Pioneer Day activity, where everyone was dressed in 19th Century clothing, right down to long dresses and bonnets. His friend freaked out, understandably. We then talked about inviting people over for dinner (or any other setting) and not telling them the missionaries would be there - and referenced the other student's story about his Baptist friend.

• Take No for an Answer: They all understood how obnoxious it would be if someone else kept asking the same question over and over and over again, even when they said they weren't interested.

• Follow Your Own Rules: This one is the trickiest, since not all Mormons do everything the same way, and since I have stressed continually that I want them to own their own faith, even if it's different in some way(s) than others around them. We focused largely on the following concept:

Don’t present something as universal to all Mormons if it isn’t required of all Mormons - and understand the difference.

To non-Mormons (and, for the class discussion, Mormons living / serving missions in areas where they are a small minority):

• Don’t believe everything you hear: You’ll hear weird rumors, crackpot conspiracy theories, and disgruntled stories full of bias. Believe your own experiences first and foremost.

• For some Mormons, the bubble is real: Interestingly, every one of them understood this immediately - but they hadn't thought about it being true of other places dominated by other religions.

• Give people second chances: Or more than that. Be patient in building friendships.

• Accept where you live / serve: The reason most of your neighbors live there is because they like it, so fighting it isn’t going to win friends.

• There is diversity if you look: When you only see people as “LDS” (or Baptist, or Catholic, or Jewish, or Buddhist, etc.) you fail to grasp the complexity of the person beneath that label.

• Read the religious texts that are important to church members: Chrisy felt this was important to understand what people believed, so she read the Book of Mormon for that purpose. I told the students that if any of them are called to serve a mission in an area with lots of Muslims, for example, I hope they read the Koran.

• Ask doctrinal questions of Mormons first, not non-Mormons: This applies just as well to us trying to understand others.

• Lighten up: Don’t be offended when someone does try to proselyte. Don’t waste energy on negative feelings.

• Follow the rules: This also is a bit tricky, because there are some things in other cultures we simply shouldn't do. The key is not to reject entire cultures just because they are different than ours - and, to the greatest extent possible without violating one's own conscience, doing as the Romans do when in Rome. Even in cases where you don't feel good about "following the rules", don't flaunt it. (It would be like taking beer to a Mormon ward party - or serving pork at a Muslim gathering.)

I really enjoyed this lesson, since it had a lot of participation from the students.

Working with Those Who Are Struggling to Believe: Teaching Stillness

I've long believed that one of the primary focal efforts of those who are struggling needs to include an understanding of "Be still, and know that I am God" - but, unfortunately, we live in an age when there is a constant barrage of messages focused on always thinking, talking, debating, conjecturing and otherwise "doing something" and being stimulated actively. So many people go to bed tired, wake up tired and spend their lives tired, rushed and thinking about the next important thing - and they forget how to be still and feel. They can be emotional, but I believe there is a big difference between feeling emotional and feeling spiritual - and it's a fading art for many.

I think miracles fade away as much from sheer, voluminous busy-ness as from other things that drive away faith - since busy-ness makes things accumulate to the point where someone just can't deal with it all at once. In an online forum, we can't get people to slow down by physical means, but we can provide a place for people to take a breath, breathe calmly and slowly and start to re-learn how to "be still". We can model calmness, rationality and spirituality, even in cases where we have to express disagreement.
 
I believe most people who overcome deep crises do so more by a change of mind and perspective (and even character) than by finding the right argument, so online communication can't be primarily about arguments. For that reason, I try to focus on attitude, character, perspective and charity rather than winning an argument.
 
At least, that's how I see it after working for years with those who are struggling to believe.

We Are Responsible, Largely, for the Experiences of Others at Church

[Normally, I would proivde a link to a good post from somewhere else today, but I felt impressed to share this memory, instead.  I hope that decision was inspired - that this post touches someone, somehow today.]

There was a discussion in a leadership meeting I attended once that centered on the question of why members left the Church and what we could do about it. I knew how it probably would go naturally, so I piped up right at the beginning and said that most of the people who have left with whom I have talked personally mention being bored and feeling unfed at church - and that the best thing we can do, in my opinion, is to make our services and classes and meetings at all levels and of all kinds more spiritual and more spiritually filling.

As I expected, there was an initial, immediate reflection of that onto the people who don't come prepared to feel the Spirit (as if it's their own fault for not feeling fed and feeling bored), but the conversation eventually ended up focusing on the "standard" idea that everyone needs a friend, something to do and nourishment with the good word of God. I agreed and simply pointed out that it is up to the leadership of each ward and branch to set the example of nourishing with the good word of God and insist that the membership do that, as well, to the best of their ability.

This is one issue where I agree completely with the "standard Sunday School answer". Everyone needs a friend (someone with whom s/he can talk honestly and openly without being judged or condemned), something to do (to not feel like a nobody and to serve others) and spiritual nourishment (thoughtful, uplifting, enlightening, spirit-directed teaching and sharing). One is social; the next is active personal; the last is spiritual.

If all three of these things were provided to every member, there still would be issues - but they would be much fewer, far between and less serious. So, my advice to everyone is simple:

If you want to deal better with some of the things that cause you to struggle at church, be a real friend to someone at church, find something to do at church that is important and meaningful to you (whether that is an official calling or not) and provide nourishment of the good word of God to those who need it (including yourself outside of church time, if you aren't getting it directly at church from others).

Friendship and Fellowship Should Not Be Temporary Assignments

A little over a year ago, I posted this - and I feel like I should re-post it now.  I hope that decision was inspired and that it helps someone:

I don't reach out to anyone any differently than I reach out to everyone - unless I feel impressed to do so on an individual level. I smile at everyone; I talk with everyone; I hug or shake hands with everyone; I flirt with all of the older widows (and many of the older non-widows, whose husbands love it); I play with all the kids; etc.

I am bothered more than I can express whenever I hear someone talking about someone else as a "project" - as the focus of something that has to be done. I believe the best help I can give anyone is to get to know them and sincerely befriend them. That's when I can usually get the best inspiration about how I can help them.

I think if we truly knew, loved and accepted everyone simply as a natural extension of our "love orientation", "activation efforts" would be simply a part of that perspective - not separate activities that need to be carved out of our schedule. That is the ideal.

To be clear, I have NO problem with thoughtful and careful consideration about how to reach and help someone - or to whom to reach out and try to help, but I don't like ulterior motives. "Coming back to church" will happen when someone feels drawn to return, for whatever reason, but it generally happens best or most lastingly when it's not a temporary focus that stops when an objective has been achieved.

If I were in charge of activation efforts, I would say, basically, "I feel like __________ needs a friend right now. Go be that friend. If she is interested in returning to activity or not, be a friend. No matter what happens with other callings and assignments, don't stop being her friend. This isn't a temporary assignment; treat it like a life-long request."

Nobody Should Be a "Project"

I don't reach out to anyone any differently than I reach out to everyone - unless I feel impressed to do so on an individual level. I smile at everyone; I talk with everyone; I hug or shake hands with everyone; I flirt with all of the older widows (and many of the older non-widows, whose husbands love it); I play with all the kids; etc.

I am bothered more than I can express whenever I hear someone talking about someone else as a "project" - as the focus of something that has to be done. I believe the best help I can give anyone is to get to know them and sincerely befriend them. That's when I can usually get the best inspiration about how I can help them.

Leaving is Only Temporary; Loving Lasts Forever

I didn't write a New Year's Resolution post last night, because I had been at a professional conference most of the week without access to the internet (don't get me started) - and when I got home, I went with my family to the Nauvoo Pageant last night. We had gone twice already this summer (opening with our oldest daughter's boyfriend and our extended family when they were here for our youngest daughter's baptism and later with our children and our son's girlfriend), but some friends from Cincinnati (Jungkunzs) were in Nauvoo yesterday - so we decided to go again to see them, especially so our kids could see their daughter again. It was great to see them, but it also reinforced how small the Mormon world is.

We were walking into the area where all of the pre-pageant activities occur (the stilts-walking, the sack races, the dancing, etc.) when we started to pass a young boy in period costume. As they are taught to do, he asked where we were from - and, for some reason, Mama mentioned both MO and OH. He told her, "I live in Ohio." She looked more closely at him and realized she recognized his face. His family attends the ward (Hamilton) that meets with our old ward (Fairfield); we know his parents well (mother sang in Christmas programs with us and father served on the High Council with me before being called as the Bishop of their ward just before we moved); I've mentioned his father on this blog in a post about when the former Bishop died unexpectedly.

This young boy took us to where his parents were setting up to run the youth sack races, and we were able to talk with them for a few minutes before the pageant started. It was wonderful to see them again, and the thoughts that struck me immediately were two-fold:

1) What were the chances that we and their son would have crossed paths like we did last night, since we never would have realized they were there otherwise?

2) What were the chances we would have been there a third time this summer, since I have no motivation generally to see or attend the same event even twice within a few weeks?

We finished talking with the Foisters and moved on to find the seats that Jungkunzs had saved for us, placed our stuff on the chairs, and everyone else left to enjoy the activities. As I was standing there looking around (people watching as I often do), I noticed another familiar face - and the white shirt, tie and missionary name tag that accompany his current calling. It was Elder Moore, a full-time missionary who had served in our ward in Quincy, IL. He saw me at the same time, so he came over and talked for a few minutes. He is leaving to return home today, and his parents had come out to pick him up and drive home with him. They decided to attend the pageant before leaving, and his Mission President gave him permission to do so. We were sitting within about five rows of each other, so we had seen each other right away.

Again, the same two questions popped into my mind as I mentioned with the Foisters - with the first question modified to be:

What are the chances that Elder Moore and his parents would be sitting within a few rows of us - directly in front of us - and able to see us amid the crowd?

If they or Jungkunz's had chosen almost any other location, we probably would have missed each other completely.

Now, I'm not saying there was any kind of divine intervention in the course of these events - particularly since I do not believe in a micro-managing, puppetmaster God. All I'm saying is that it made me stop and think about things that naturally appear to be random accidents - coincidences that defy statistical probability - and realize that they occur more frequently in a small, tight-knit community where strong attachments are common. There might or might not have been a bit of Spirit-directed activity at play last night, but it is instructive that we met a family and an individual we knew well and loved largely because we belong to a religious community that promotes such close ties and creates ways for us to make deep, lasting friendships outside of "Sunday worship" services. Our ties to the Jungkunzs, the Foisters and Elder Moore were not forged in church on Sunday; they were created in extra-Sunday associations - musical events, Stake callings, visits to our home, etc.

That is powerful - much more powerful, in my opinion, than merely believing (generally) the same core principles and doctrines and sitting near each other each Sunday. In fact, it emphasizes something I believe strongly - that the importance of the exact nature of the nuances of our individual beliefs pales in comparison to the ties that we create through the lives we live. It is FAR more important to me to share unity in the activities of our lives (to be unitedly orthoprax, if you will - living alike) than to share unity in the small details of our faith (to be unitedly orthodox, if you will - thinking alike).

I would be bored to tears in a world where everyone thought exactly alike (and it would be a pretty good approximation of Lucifer's ideal, imo - since there would not be an opposition in all things); I find great joy and peace and enlightenment in a small community where people live in unity and love even while thinking and believing quite differently about almost everything imaginable. That, to me, is Zion - unity of purpose and shared living despite differences, not exact unity of thought and the elimination of differences. Zion also is reuniting with those we have loved and left - and realizing the leaving was only temporary, but the loving lasts forever.

Salvation is Communal, Not Individual

Salvation as a group is as central to Mormonism as any concept I can imagine. The central concept of the temple is that the power of godliness binds people in a way that would make the very creation of the earth “wasted” without “communal salvation”. Although we use the term "exaltation" to refer to the Celestial Kingdom, I have no problem using "salvation" when talking about the greatest gift God bestows, especially in the context of how other Christians use that term and not "exaltation."

Also, Joseph was a Zion builder, not simply an individual saver. Our great mortal target is to replicate the City of Enoch, not the scholar in the tower or the monk in the monastery.

I'm not arguing that salvation is not individual, in a very real and important way. What I am saying is that it isn't completely individual - that you can't gain the fullest blessings of salvation (exaltation, in our terminology) by sitting in a monastery and getting to know Jesus on an individual level. (I actually have heard it called "chillin' with Christ" and extolled as the ultimate form of worship.) According to everything Jesus is credited with saying and doing, that isn't compatible with what he wants.

What I believe he wants is for us to lose our individual lives in the service of others - specifically those who are down-trodden and victimized and shunned and marginalized - socially and economically and politically and in any other way. If they have no voice, we are to be their voice; if they have no food, we are to provide it; if they are naked, we are to clothe them. Otherwise, He will say to us, "Depart from me."

It seems painfully clear to me that there is a "work of salvation" that includes the temporal condition of humanity. Seriously, go through the Gospels and tally up the instances of Jesus "preaching" and "ministering". I think it is an enlightening exercise, and it leads me to believe that salvation in fact is NOT an individual thing, but rather a communal thing spread by individuals. I can't be exalted by myself, as an individual. According to everything we teach, that simply isn't possible - assuming I have enough accountability to understand my responsibility to others. Even in the most limited cases, exaltation comes at the very least as a couple.

Truly Loving Those Who Leave

When someone comes to believe that they are not giving up something of eternal significance if they leave the Church, it is perfectly understandable that they would choose to opt out. If that really is their perspective, and if it leads them to choose to leave, we should give them a sincere hug, tell them honestly that we will pray for them on their own journey - and then treat them in the exact same way we would if they remained among us.

They know how we view their choice - the disappointment we feel. We don't need to throw it in their faces. Rather, we need to do what Jesus commanded and love them just as if they still were meeting with us. Leaving the Church shouldn't change a thing about our relationship - except the association we lose on Sunday and other non-church related activities.

Loving Those Who Lose Faith

When we talk of those who have "lost faith", I never assume they have acted intentionally through malice, or succumbed to sin, or rejected the concept of prophets, or any other possibility. If they state one of those paths openly and are vitriolic in their approach, I will accept that as real. Otherwise, I will sit down, take the time to discuss and understand their journey and provide whatever advice or counsel or listening ear or sympathetic heart I can. I will try to understand them without pre-conceived assumptions and, if possible, help them find a way to hold onto a sliver of hope even if they can't find faith. If that is not possible, and they feel they must leave the Church, I will accept their decision as their own, maintain whatever level of interaction is possible and make sure they know I am still their friend regardless of their faith at the time.

If they want to talk religion, I will talk religion; if they want to play board games, I will play board games; if they want to talk politics but not religion, that is what we will do. If we have not had a relationship in which we could talk religion, I will not talk religion - unless our relationship changes enough to do so later. In that situation, I will look and pray for an opportunity to share my testimony and any spiritual insight I can share, but I will share only if I feel strongly and uniquely prompted to do so. In summary, I will do my best to respect their agency and their stated desires - unless they are acting in such a way that I feel others are in danger. Then, and only then, will I upbraid or chastise or preach without invitation or call to repentance.

In my individual callings, I might have occasion to modify that slightly, but that's how I try to handle the balance as an individual. If I'm going to make a mistake, I want that mistake to be on the side of compassion and charity and brotherhood, not the alternative.

This philosophy allows me to have many good and valuable friendships with people who can't be friends with other members - solely because those other members refuse to respect and accept my friends for who they are. They share my desire to see these friends embrace the Gospel but are unwilling / unable to wait for it to happen according to these friends' agency and the Lord's timetable. All too often , this unwillingness to "wait upon the Lord" drives my friends away and makes it very hard for others to reach them without defensiveness on their part.

According to the Dictates of Their Own Conscience

It is way too easy for people to believe they know what others "should" do and believe - and that "should" nearly always aligns with what the first person is doing or believing. I have a deep and abiding testimony of the Restoration, and it gives me incredible peace and joy. I really do think that the world would be a glorious place if everyone in it understood what I understand and felt the peace and joy I feel.

Having said that, what I want most for myself and my children is to be able to believe what I believe and live spiritually as I want to live - without ridicule and with acceptance of my choice even when that choice is not what others desire. I want to "follow the dictates of [my] own conscience." My understanding of the pre-existence and the second great commandment compels me to "allow (others) the same privilege."

I might have a hard time understanding someone else's decision when it is different than mine, and that difficulty is exacerbated when that decision is to walk away from what I hold so dear, but I think it is this situation precisely that tests how strongly I truly believe what I say I believe.

Jesus stressed this basic point in the Sermon on the Mount when he said, "For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?" (Matt. 5:46-47) If we understand and feel sorry only for those who never had any understanding of the Restoration, but don't have that same empathy for those who don't accept or have left the Church, we really are no different than the examples Jesus offered. I would submit that this is a lesson that everyone needs to learn - the power of full empathy and respect for the agency of all.

My Dream: A Collective Mighty Change of Heart

I would feel like I had died and gone to heaven if every member in my ward and stake openly and sincerely invited everyone they knew to sit with us as we worship in Sacrament Meeting simply because they love them and want to share our worship with them - no other strings attached.

I would love to see our chapels packed to overflowing during Sacrament Meeting, even if many of the attendees left the building and didn't stay for the other two hours - because they weren't interested in the instruction that occurs in those meetings.

I would love to sit with a gay friend and his partner and their daughter, to smell cigarette smoke residue in the pew behind me, to wave to the girl in the tank top in the back, to see what tattoo or earring the man in front of me had added the previous week, to be surrounded by every shade of skin imaginable, etc - even if I had to wish them a blessed week after Sacrament Meeting ended, and even if I had no realistic hope in them ever being baptized and joining the Church.

In all seriousness, I believe that if we lived the true heart of the Gospel better, these friends would be among us - especially if our efforts to share the spirit of our worship were not tied to "conversion" but were focused more on simple friendship and fellowship - on the joy and spirit and peace of our worship. I think many would accept the occasional talk about the Law of Chastity or the Word of Wisdom or Modesty in Dress, if it wasn't directed in a judgmental way at them and their lifestyle - if they knew our standards didn't change our love for them. (I realize many would not accept it, but I believe many would.)

I have no problem telling the missionaries to stay away from a friend who comes to church with me, if that is what that friend wants. What matters to me is that my friend is there with me.

Of course, I want that friend to accept the Gospel, be baptized and receive the blessings of the Gospel that enrich my life - but that's not a condition of my invitation to worship with me. I wish with all my heart that we could open our arms and embrace anyone who walked through our chapel doors, sincerely and lovingly and unconditionally - and that we brought more diverse people with us through those doors. I don't think we have to compromise our doctrinal standards to do so, but we certainly have to experience a collective mighty change of heart.

Embracing Those Whom Others Will Not Embrace

The growth of the Church stems from the strength and depth of the testimonies gained and developed by the membership prior to and following baptism. That is a given. However, frankly, I think the Church blossoms in direct proportion to how well regular members and local leaders understand the concept of friendship and fellowship - since I think that is the essence of what Jesus taught and lived. Yes, He taught ideals that often were even stricter than the original 10 Commandments, but He also put His arms around anyone who would open up to them - living among saints and sinners alike and, particularly, embracing those whom no others would embrace.

I wonder sometimes, "Who are the lepers in our modern society - or even in the Church? Who is the women taken in adultery? Who are the untouchables Jesus would have touched - the unembraceable ones Jesus would have embraced?" I then wonder, "Am I touching and embracing them in any significant way?"