My Own Bucket List

I loved the movie, "The Bucket List." I had seen it one time previously, but it was better the second time, since I knew what was going to happen and could focus on the smaller details I missed the first time I watched it. It also allowed me to consider thoughts and conceptual things that struck me for the first time, and those insights were powerful for me.

The first epiphany was something quite simple. The very concept of a bucket list is a product of relative privilege and luxury. People who can consider a true "bucket list" (things they have reason to believe they might be able to do, as opposed to things they simply wish they could do in an ideal world) are able to do so due to some kind of privilege or luxury from their current and previous lives. Financial considerations are the best example of this disparity, since more concrete, objective goals often have an accompanying price tag, while poorer people usually are forced to focus on things that are more conceptual or subjective. In fact, many people don't have the luxury of even considering the concept of a bucket list, since all their energy must be focused on nothing more than survival. 

For example, in the movie, Edward’s list was about seeing the world, which was possible only because he was abnormally rich. It included, “Go on a safari,” “Visit Stonehenge,” “Sit on the Great Egyptian pyramids,” and “Drive a motorcycle on the Great Wall of China.” Conversely, Carter’s list was full of things like, “Kiss the most beautiful girl in the world,” “Witness something truly majestic,” “Laugh until you cry,” and “Find the joy in your life.” The differences in their buckets lists could be explained as nothing more than their individual personalities and perspectives, but it is not adequate to ignore the impact of financial success and security on those personalities and perspectives. Edward was able to record practical goals that were expensive to accomplish specifically and exclusively because he had the money to make them happen, while Carter was constrained by his limited resources to goals that were not attached in any way to financial cost and which were far more subjective.

The second thought was much more personal and enlightening. My own father would fit Carter’s character almost completely. Except for the element of race, which was a legitimate, major contributing factor for Carter, my father’s life mirrored Carter’s in nearly every way. My father gave up his professional dreams to marry my mother, then he did it again, 14 years later, to give her the support she needed to deal productively with her schizophrenia. He had eight children, specifically because my mother wanted as many kids as possible, even though he knew it would increase his responsibilities exponentially. He intentionally moved from financial security to serious poverty for his wife’s sake, and, as a result, he changed irrevocably the content of what he would have included on a bucket list.

In fact, even more fundamentally, he gave up the notion of creating a bucket list and made his own life his bucket list. He lived specifically and intentionally for his wife and children, giving up nearly all aspects of pure, undiluted individuality in the process. Watching this movie reminded me that I have come to read one particular Biblical verse differently as a result of coming to understand my father's sacrifice: “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

This verse doesn’t say that he "die" for this friends; rather, it says that he "lay down his life" for his friends.” There is an important difference between those two phrases. Just as Jesus, of Nazareth, set aside whatever life he had created prior to the age of 30 to begin his ministry to the people of his area, my father set aside the life he envisioned, twice, to begin his own personal ministry to his wife.

I see that same example in Carter. He lived his life for his wife and family, and he lost himself in a real and practical way. Edward offered him a chance to focus on himself again, and, initially, Carter accepted that offer. Eventually, however, he realized that the life he had established was more important than a practical, tangible, measurable list of dreams – as much as he enjoyed living those dreams. Edward didn’t improve Carter’s life in any way, ultimately, except in helping him regain the joy of his former life of self-sacrifice and service.

Meanwhile, Carter literally changed Edward’s life. The things on Edward’s bucket list that matter the most in the end were the things Carter had added, especially, “Find the joy in your life.” That joy wasn’t in the grandiose, fancy, and expensive; it was in the personal, intimate, and costless gift of his daughter and granddaughter.

That is my takeaway from this movie. Bucket lists are enticing, and, for those who can afford to fulfill them, they can be enjoyable and fulfilling to a degree. However, the most meaningful bucket lists are what people live as a direct result of their normal, daily, steady lives. I have chosen a life path that probably will not afford me the temptation to create a bucket list like Edwards, even if only in theory and not actual cost, but that chosen path has given me a multitude of experiences like Carter’s bucket list. Perhaps more than anything in my life, I am grateful for that particular way in which I am my father’s son.  

A Tribute to My Wife during a Difficult Time for Her

I posted this originally a few years ago, and I came across it again today, while looking for something else.

The past three weeks have been hard on my wife, and I felt like I should share, once again, my gratitude for the amazing woman she is and the grace that brought us together so long ago.

Michan  

We met – unplanned, unanticipated, unbidden – no idea what lay ahead. 

16 and 15 – too young and immature, right?  

Quick connection – recognized more instantly by me than her.

That piano bench, just a glance – future recognition of endless past.

Two years to dance, two years not so, then twenty-six years more –

College, children, heartache, joy – peace throughout it all. 

Where she starts – where I end – what is her – what me?

Looking forward toward unknown, enough simply to be.   

We Never Said Good-Bye

The program lasted twelve days; I dreaded its end for eleven days and twenty-three hours.  

We didn’t touch the entire two weeks.  We talked.  Oh, how we talked – hour after hour, minute upon minute, inseparable, the focus of whispered questions and gossip – sharing dreams for the future and experiences from the past.  She told me about her frustrations, her family, past crushes, a former boyfriend; I listened a lot and spoke a bit, content to be with her and moved by her.  I missed the dance – my only chance to hold her.  

We walked, side-by-side, still not touching, not talking about why we were going where we were going.  We ignored it – not intentionally, but completely, nonetheless. 

Her dad was waiting when we arrived.  I said hello, introduced myself, shook hands, exchanged brief small talk. He said they needed to leave to stay on schedule.  They walked away. So did I, not wanting to see her disappear. 

I learned later she turned and looked back.  I wasn’t there. She realized at that moment she really did love me. 

Thirty years and six children later, while writing about that moment, I suddenly realize we never said good-bye.  

We never said good-bye.  

The moment I dreaded never arrived. 

I will share this with her when I return home tonight and touch her for the hundred millionth time.

A Tribute to My Mother (and Father) on Her Passing

My mom passed away on Monday. It was completely unexpected, and nobody knows exactly why it happened. She had said recently that she wanted to be with Dad again, and we choose to believe her sincere wish was granted. 

On this day of thanksgiving, I am most grateful at this moment for parents who loved me - truly loved the unique person I was - and allowed me to be different - and treasured me for that difference.

I am grateful for six children who allowed me to try to emulate my parents' loving acceptance - even when their unique differences occasionally challenged my determination to do so.

I am grateful to have been raised with the idea that families are forever, literally. I don't know why I was and am blessed to be a part of such a wonderfully unique family, but I thank God for it. My parents were ordinary heroes, and I will treasure my association with them forever.

I am thankful, deeply, that my mother has been allowed to receive her fondest desire - to be with my father again. God bless you, Mom and Dad. Save a place for all of us. 

I wrote her obituary yesterday and share it here for my children to be able to remember their heritage: 

Nora Jane Westover DeGraw, of Ada, OK, passed from this mortal life to the next on November 23, 2015 of natural causes incident to age.  She was 75 years old.  

Nora was born on October 28, 1940 in Joseph City, Arizona to Lloyd Westover and Laura Hudson.  She was the fifth of six children.  She attended school in Santaquin and Payson, Utah, graduating from Payson High School.  She married her sweetheart, Curtis Lamar DeGraw, on March 29, 1961 in the Salt Lake City LDS temple.  Together, they raised eight children (losing one daughter to a stillbirth) in a home full of love and the gospel of Jesus Christ, later serving as a missionary couple in South Carolina. 

Prior to their marriage, Nora worked as a secretary on the staff of David O. McKay, President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. After their marriage, she dedicated her life to raising their children, returning to part-time work as a secretary at the Santaquin Elementary School after their youngest child started school. Her typing and shorthand skills were legendary. She lived most of her life in Santaquin, Utah – with a few years near the beginning of her marriage in Salt Lake City and the last five years in Ada, OK, living near a son and daughter and their families. 

Nora was a naturally spiritual person, whose smile lit up the world around her and whose tears were harder on her children than any punishment. She was small in stature, but she had the largest heart possible. She was known by all as one of the kindest, sweetest, most gentle people on this earth; nobody ever heard her raise her voice in anger or frustration, and she was never known to criticize others. Her optimistic, loving, accepting personality was a beacon to her family, their eventual spouses, her extended family and friends, and everyone with whom she associated. She loved her family, her religion, her friends, music (an accomplished pianist), reading (especially next to the heating vent under the kitchen desk during the winter in her Santaquin home), getting to know, appreciate and love others, and, most of all, her husband – her eternal companion.  She loved him truly, deeply and exclusively.  They were married for 52 years and were a testament to the power of complete love and fidelity.  Her greatest wish after his passing two years ago was to be with him once more, but she was willing to wait on the Lord’s timing for that glorious reunion.

At this time of thanksgiving, her family is grateful to have been a central part of her life. We miss her, but we are thankful that God saw fit to answer the prayer of one of His elect daughters and allow her to join Curtis, their daughter, Lorna Sue, and all of her departed relatives and friends. We can see our father greeting her on the other side of the veil, then waiting patiently, with a loving grin, as she greeted and hugged every person she ever knew and loved. Truly, we come from a long line of love, and we honor our parents for the incredible examples of Christ-like love they gave us.

Nora is survived by three siblings, eight children, thirty-six grandchildren and eighteen great-grandchildren.  She was preceded in death by her parents, two siblings, a daughter and a grandchild. 

As was the case when Curtis passed away, his family asks that each person who knew and loved Nora renew an individual commitment to love and serve others – that all who wish to honor her do so by accepting and internalizing the Savior’s words:

“As I have loved you, love one another.” 

 
She would prefer to be honored by what we do, how we live, and who we become more than by anything we might say.  In particular, she would want everyone to fill their homes with smiles and good music – the universal languages of love.

God Bless the Humble Bishops of the World

We weren't there from the beginning, but our ward in the Boston area when I was in college was created from parts of three different wards. There were multiple ward-level leaders with the same previous callings in the new ward, as well as two serving Bishops. The ward drew from a poor area, a middle-class area and a relatively rich area - as well as a working-class, relatively uneducated population and a highly educated, consciously intellectual area. The first couple of years were rough.

The man who was called to be the Bishop after the first few years was one of the most humble, loving, gentle men I have ever known. By the time we left that ward, after six years, it was a very united, loving ward. It became an example of what the Church can be at the local level, despite tremendous odds.

God bless the good, humble Bishops in the Church.  They carry burdens that I would not wish on anyone, and they set the tone for the wards in which they serve. 

Jesus' Private, Intimate, Romantic and/or Sexual Life - and a Tribute to the Woman I Love

My 28th anniversary is today, so I have been thinking a lot the last few days about my marriage and how grateful I am that I met my wife 32 1/2 years ago - and the life we have shared since then.

I linked previously to a post by Jacob on By Common Consent entitled "Men, Sex and Modesty".  I came across an exchange I had in that thread with another commenter and felt like I should copy it as a separate post.  

The other person said:

“To the best of our knowledge, Christ loved women in a non-romantic way. He wasn’t dating them, trying to get their attention, wooing them, courting them, much less marrying and eventually having sex with them.”

I responded: 

We have nothing (absolutely nothing) to tell us one way or the other whether the assumption above is correct or not. Given our actual historical record, “to the best of our knowledge” can mean that Jesus did every single one of those things – and every argument I have heard that claims he did none of them is based on prior assumptions and not grounded in historical reality. Sure, he might have been celibate and lacked natural attractions – but that would deny an important part of how we view and talk about the Atonement, in my opinion.

Thus, I reject it and the argument flowing from it. 

The other person then accused me of being snarky, to which I replied (edited to combine three comments into one comprehensive comment): 

My response contains no snark whatsoever. None.

I reject the statement I quoted simply because it is based on an assumption that is not supported in the scriptural accounts we have. There literally is no way to say one way or the other, or anywhere in between, what Jesus thought, felt and did in regard to those things (how he loved women [romantically and/or non-romantically] and how he felt about “dating women, trying to get their attention, wooing them, courting them, much less marrying and eventually having sex with them"), since there is no context given of his life prior to his ministry. In fact, without the reference to Peter’s mother-in-law being sick, we would have nothing whatsoever about the intimate, private, romantic and sexual lives of any of Jesus’ closest disciples. We simply don’t know, and we ought to admit that rather than claiming we do to some degree.

In other words, there is no “to the best of our knowledge,” since there is no knowledge at all about those specific things. Lack of knowledge does not equal knowledge of anything except its lack – so there is nothing that can be extrapolated knowledgeably about things for which we have no detail.

Thus, “to the best of our knowledge” is useless when talking about how Jesus approached women romantically or sexually. The best of our knowledge in that field is the same as the worst of our knowledge – non-existent.

I personally believe Jesus was married and that he had a romantic, intimate and sexual life that he "laid down for his friends" when he became a minister and went on a mission, so to speak.  I might be wrong about that, since there simply is no way to know for certain, but I believe he experienced all we experience, in some way, and I believe that means he experienced our greatest joys as well as our greatest sorrows and sins.

Looking back on the last 32 years of my life, since I met my wife, and the last 28 years, since we were married, I choose to believe he experienced my greatest joy - that of being married to a woman whom I love with all my heart and soul.  I don't believe his life could be "perfect" (complete, whole, fully developed) without that experience. 

I Applaud Pope Francis: Our Core Is the Same, Despite Our Differences

In a sermon last May, Pope Francis said the following:

"The Lord created us in His image and likeness, and we are the image of the Lord, and He does good and all of us have this commandment at heart: "Do good and do not do evil. All of us."

‘But, Father, this is not Catholic! He cannot do good.’

Yes, he can . . . The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone! 

‘Father, the atheists?’

Even the atheists. Everyone! . . .We must meet one another doing good. 

‘But I don’t believe, Father, I am an atheist!’

But do good: we will meet one another there.

That is core Mormon theology, embodied in our temple worship, and I applaud Pope Francis for saying it so directly and clearly. 

The full article I read is in the Huffington Post's religion section, if anyone wants to read it: 

Pope Francis Says Atheists Who Do Good Are Redeemed, Not Just Catholics

The Restoration of the Gospel and the Restoration of the Church Are Different Things

I admire greatly the people (like anabaptists, my wife's Waldensian ancestors, etc.) who lived exemplary lives throughout history and, in my opinion, actually contributed to the Restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in the Dispensation of the Fullness of Times. I don't think the pure Gospel of Jesus Christ in its entirety (as I read it in the Bible, particularly) remained openly taught throughout the centuries leading up to the restoration of the Gospel; hence, the concept of a Great Apostasy and a Restoration. However, I believe deeply that the Protestant Reformation was the major, God-directed movement that allowed a restoration to occur (to continue, to be more precise) and continue to build to this day, with necessary pruning still happening as fast as the root can take it.

I don't see the Restoration of the Gospel as happening simultaneous to the restoration of the Church - or as the same thing. I see the restoration of the Gospel as starting LONG prior to Joseph Smith's birth (in the case of some of my wife's ancestors, as early as AD 1215 when they were declared heretics by the Catholic Church and persecuted, tortured and killed for nearly 700 years until her 5th great-grandfather was baptized by Mormon missionaries in 1851and left the homeland he and his people had vowed through blood-soaked centuries never to leave, all in order to heed the call of a man they believed to be a prophet) and continuing as I type this comment. I honor that terrible sacrifice of those dedicated "Christian heretics" as part of "the restoration of the Gospel" - independent of the establishment of the church those missionaries represented at the tail-end of those indescribable centuries of faithful dedication to the Gospel they understood in their hearts.

In other words, I see the restoration of the Gospel as a long process that extends backward and forward through time longer than most people consider, while the restoration of the Church was an event - even as the subsequent organizational growth of the Church continues still. 

A Tribute to an Amazing Man on His "Birthday"

BHodges wrote a moving tribute to Frederick Douglass at BCC a couple of years ago.  I am a former History teacher, but I had forgotten that Mr. Douglas chose to celebrate his birthday on February 14th - not knowing when his actual date of birth had been.  He was an amazing man, and his personal memoirs are astounding.  As BHodges says in his post, surely his autobiographies, especially, constitute some of the "best books" out of which we should "seek learning".

I hope we can take a few minutes today and honor a man on his "birthday" who should be an inspiration and motivation to all:


Frederick Douglass's dark night of slavery, dark night of the soul - BHodges (By Common Consent)

My Father Passed Away This Morning: A Tribute

Almost six years ago, I wrote a post as a tribute to my father.  Today, almost exactly an hour after hearing of his passing, I am reposting it - with an edit in the final paragraph and an additional comment at the end.

The world lost an amazing man today - one who will not show up in any history text book and would not be counted as a hero according to worldly standards, but one who was as close to a perfect example of loving sacrifice and pure love of another (my mother) as anyone I have known - ever. 

I am happy for him today, since he has wanted to go for a couple of months now, but I grieve and mourn the loss of a wonderful man.  In a blessing I was able to give him about three weeks ago, he was released from the responsibilities of this world - and I know he is happy where he is now - even as I am certain he is sitting on the other side anxiously awaiting his reunion with his eternal sweetheart.

The following is my more formal tribute: 

My father called this morning to tell me and my wife that my niece had just died. My sister had taken in three cats very recently, and my niece - a physically healthy young woman - had a severe allergic reaction while playing with them. She passed away before the doctors at the hospital could restart her breathing.

(Apparently, I have a nephew and a brother - two different families, as well as one of my own sons - who have had allergic reactions to cats, but they weren’t serious enough to raise concerns among the family.)

My father’s words to us were concise. He is not given to emotional displays, and his natural stoicism was evident in his call. He said two things: “Treasure your children every day of your lives,” and “Keep animals out of your house.” I was struck by how this conversation with my father encapsulated him so perfectly. To understand this, you need to know my father.

My mom has a rare form of schizophrenia. My father was unaware of this, as was everyone else (including my mother), when they got married. He found out after the birth of my sisters (twins), when she was overwhelmed and her mind wouldn’t shut down and allow her to sleep. She had what was termed a nervous breakdown, which led to her clinical diagnosis.

From that moment forward, my dad shielded my mom from every care of the world so her condition would stay in remission, if you will. By all practical measures, he became my father and my mother. My mom wanted more children, so he agreed - knowing that meant his responsibilities would increase accordingly. He shouldered all of the financial, household, emotional, physical, disciplinary, organizational, educational, etc. responsibilities for his family and allowed his wife to be seen by the community as the incredibly spiritual woman we knew as our mother - a modern Mormon saint. People in town admired his work ethic, but they never realized what he was doing behind our doors - because he never once mentioned it in any way to anyone. He didn’t want others to view his wife as anyone other than the sweet angel he had married - to do anything that would lessen her in others’ eyes in a time when mental illness was not understood.

Until her first breakdown, my father served in various leadership positions in the Church. After that, he waited nearly 30 years to serve in another position that required he spend significant time away from home - until his children were gone and my mom could function without the stress associated with raising them. He left an extremely well paying job with incredible advancement opportunities to go back to the small town where my mom was raised, simply to ease her stress and allow her to function normally. He became an elementary school janitor, took a 50% pay cut and focused on loving and serving his kids - both at home and at his school.

Not holding a high profile church position, he came to be known in town as a salt-of-the-earth farm boy - a good man, but certainly not a leader. I bought into that perception until my mother’s second breakdown a few years ago, when her “sleeping pills” stopped working and her whole personality changed. It was only after this experience that I finally saw my father for what he is - as close an example of the Savior’s single-minded dedication to service and family as anyone I have ever known.

Why do I share all of this when it is my niece’s death that rocked our family’s world this morning? It is because my father was able to sum up the situation for his family in such a beautifully concise way. He has a rock-solid testimony of the Plan of Salvation - that he and my sister will see their (grand)daughter again. It is such a given for him that he never even thought to mention it. He knew it; he knew we knew it; it never crossed his mind to address it. Instead, just as he always has, he saw the big picture and acted as both mother and father to his family - giving us two beautifully balanced bits of wisdom - one spiritual that applies to all and one practical that applies directly to his own children. Therefore, I pass them on to you - knowing the second one will have to be adapted to whatever dangers threaten your own children’s well-being - physically or spiritually.

“Treasure your children (and parents) every day of your life,” 

and

“Keep (serious dangers to your children) out of your house.” 

---------------------------------------------------------------

In the words of Dan Fogelberg,

"I am a living legacy to the leader of the band." 

I hope and pray when I join him, eventually, I will have been a legacy of which he was proud.  

[Note: After I wrote the initial post, I was given additional information about the cause of my niece's death.  There were complicating factors beyond an allergic reaction, but they don't change my tribute to my father in any way.] 

Time Away This Week: My Dad Is Dying

My father has reached the point in his life where he is ready to die.

He has taken care of my mom, under difficult circumstances for decades, and he knows she will be okay now - that my brother and his wife will take over her care. He is extremely tired, having lived, in practical terms, many years beyond his age. (If you want to read a tribute I wrote about him six years ago, the link is: "My Niece Died This Morning") He has stopped taking his medication and stopped eating and drinking. He might pass away this week, or it might take a little longer - depending on if he decides to eat or drink a little occasionally.

My father is one of the most Christ-like people I know in following the injunction:

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for a friend."  

As I wrote in the post linked above, he literally laid down his own life to support my mother in her need - taking up a life he never imagined or desired when they were married.  I will honor him forever for that simple, loving action - even if it were the only reason to honor him, which it isn't.  

He is at peace with the decision, and my family is honoring his wishes. He says he wants to see my older sister, his parents and others who have passed on before him.

I am flying to Oklahoma tomorrow to be with him, my mom and my brother and sister who live near them. I will try to check in at night while I am gone, and I have written and scheduled posts for this week (and would appreciate comments on them), but I won't be able to comment much this week.

I Will Change the World

My family took our second daughter to her college orientation last week, so I didn't teach Sunday School.  In place of my normal Saturday recap of the previous lesson, I am posting something from our youngest daughter who is almost 11 and just finished 5th Grade - graduating from elementary school on her way to young adulthood.  She wrote the following poem this year in her Language Arts class, and I read it for the first time last week.  It is an example of why she was given the award for outstanding performance in Language Arts at her school. 

I am proud of her - not just for her ability as a writer but, more importantly, for what this poem says about her and her vision:

We may be children and teens,
But we can be reigning queens. 
They say we can't help;
They think we will melt,
But we are solid.
We have knowledge.
If you join me,
We can flee
So many times of war.
Join me form door to door.

I will change the world.
No one can stop me.
I will feed the poor.
If you follow through,
Then we can win
and rule the population.
Though we must wait,
It's very fine;
We wait for a reason,
And that reason is
That we don't have the power . . . yet. 

But when we do,
I hope we will
Change the world.
Maybe you could
Just speak up.
You could help by
Making Earth cleaner,
Safer, kinder, and a
Better place to live.

We have a great amount
Of stingy people
Who just won't share.
Why do so many people
Leave their families
When they could be happy?
If only we weren't
So proud of ourselves,
So many more families
Could be happy.

Why not just make peace
Between other countries.
Ambassadors, Presidents,
Children, Adults -
What's the difference
When we are all human?
So many people think
They are better than another.
Is that really necessary?
Is that why there is
So much name calling?

Why do we title
Everyone else and point out
So many small problems?
Help to stop all
Of this horrible behavior.
Help stop pollution;
So many animals
Have to suffer,
Because we throw
Our trash in rivers, woods
And other different places. 

So, stop smoking,
And start spreading
Joy instead of grief.
Stop hurting children;
Take care of them.
Stop using drugs.
Please join me
And change our lives. 

I will change the world. 
Will you help me? 

Proud Parent Brag

Mama and I are in Canton, MO this weekend, attending the college graduation of our second son, Jeff.  Jeff graduates summa cum laude with a 3.9283 GPA, has been the president of his fraternity and will be missed at Culver-Stockton College.  He is graduating on his birthday. 

C-SC is affiliated with the Christian Church, Disciples of Christ, and the Humanities Division (which includes the Religion Department) gives an award each year to the student who most promotes Christianity on campus.  It is not an award for evangelizing but more of an award for promoting Christian values and Christian faith - for being the best example of Christianity.  Jeff won the award this year. 

I am proud of my son and the man he is - an example of being comfortable with his faith, unconditionally loving of everyone and, at the core, just a good person.  He is loved by all, and that is the best tribute I could give him. 

Love you, Jeff.  Happy Birthday! 

Wise Words from a Woman Acquainted with Sorrow

Elizabeth Edwards died of cancer on December 7th, 2010. She said the following a few days before she died - when it was announced publicly that she only had weeks or days left:

"The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful."  

What a profound statement.  I hope I can say when my time has come that others can say of me that I learned and followed these words in my own life.

Pres. Monson and Mother Teresa: A Shared Heart for Service and Love

Pres. Monson spoke at the women's general meeting in 2010 and said something that cut right to the heart of our natural tendency, even in the Church, to categorize and divide each other based on visible differences.  In doing so, he quoted from Mother Teresa - someone I consider to be a true modern-day saint and hero. 

Since his remarks were delivered to the women of the Church and not heard directly by the men, and since his words apply to the men as well as to the women, I want to excerpt the part that struck me as the most profound.  The highlighting and bolding is my own. 

"My dear sisters, each of you is unique. You are different from each other in many ways. There are those of you who are married. Some of you stay at home with your children, while others of you work outside your homes. Some of you are empty-nesters. There are those of you who are married but do not have children. There are those who are divorced, those who are widowed. Many of you are single women. Some of you have college degrees; some of you do not. There are those who can afford the latest fashions and those who are lucky to have one appropriate Sunday outfit. Such differences are almost endless. Do these differences tempt us to judge one another?

Mother Teresa, a Catholic nun who worked among the poor in India most of her life, spoke this profound truth: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” The Savior has admonished, “This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.” I ask:

Can we love one another, as the Savior has commanded, if we judge each other? And I answer - with Mother Teresa - “No; we cannot.”

Happy Birthday, Michan!!

A few more than 30 years ago (*grin*), my eternal companion entered the world in a relatively primitive hospital in Samoa.  The little red-haired girl who inspired Samoans to get out of their sick beds and behold her unique beauty has grown up into the woman who colors her hair to hide the gray, is known as "Mama D" by all the young men and women who have been touched by her loving spirit and inspires me with her unique beauty on a daily basis. 

Happy Birthday, Babe!  I love you!!

Why I "Know" There Is a God Who Watches Over and Knows Us Individually

One of the most powerful experiences of my life, especially in hindsight, involved the blessing of my second son. He was born three weeks early, but, other than being very small, there was no sign of any physical problem. He left the hospital on schedule and grew normally until this day - nearly 22 years later. Nothing remarkable, until you consider:

When he was blessed, I heard myself tell him that none of the physical trials he would experience in this life would have the power to divert him from the mission God had given him. I was surprised, as was my wife.

1) Five years later, we held him back in Headstart for a year to get additional help with a speech articulation issue. A nationally known speech therapist worked with him at no cost, because I was teaching two of her children in school - a job I felt prompted to take even though I wanted a different one.

2) Ten years ago, his appendix burst - apparently after leaking for about a week. The doctor told us it was the worst case he'd ever seen where the patient lived. He was in surgery for about eight hours.

3) Six years ago he was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes - perhaps because the poison from his appendix bursting had affected his pancreas. We don't know for sure, but there is no history of Type I diabetes in our families, so . . . (Our children have a long-standing pool focused on which of his organs will fail next.)

4) He is the only one of our six children who has extreme, nearly constant allergies.

5) All of us wear glasses, but his eyesight is the worst of the bunch.

6) He is the most naturally caring and spiritual kid I think I've ever met in my entire life. People are drawn to him immediately because he simply radiates joy and goodness and love and gentility. He has been an inspiration and help to more people in more ways than I can begin to elaborate. He just shines - and people flock to feel his light.

I believe deeply in the concept of blessings being a conduit of God's will in those situations where God has something He really needs to communicate - and I feel just as deeply that I was the instrument through which He cradled and blessed my son over 21 years ago. If that was the only experience with the divine I had ever had, it would be enough to convince me that there is a "God" who watches and knows us by name - and who knows the natural stuff we will experience as a result of mortality.

Gratitude for Generosity

We just returned from our vacation trip to Ohio, where we lived for 12 years prior to moving to Missouri for my current job.  It was wonderful to see old friends (and those that aren't so old - *grin*), but I want to mention publicly my gratitude for the generosity that is so common among LDS Church members - and others. 

Whenever we have visited Ohio in the past, we have stayed with a particular family.  They have more children than we do and enough room in their house to put us up without too much strain - but they were out of town this past week, so their house was unavailable.  We didn't realize that would be the case until fairly late in the planning process, and we realized it would be impossible for us to make the trip this year if we had to stay in hotel rooms the entire time.  It simply would have been too expensive. 

So, we called the former Relief Society President of our old ward and explained our dilemma - asking if she knew of anyone who would have enough room for us (nine people, all together) to spend a couple of nights to lower our overall cost.  (We were planning on being in town for five nights total.)  She suggested three possibilities - two of whom we had considered on our own and the other whom we hadn't considered. 

There were unusual, practical reasons last week why we didn't try one of the couples we had considered, and the other couple wasn't home when we called - so we called the third couple.  We explained the situation, and these good people not only told us we could stay for a couple of nights but insisted we stay with them the entire week.  They are a retired couple, and I'm sure housing seven kids (our six plus one) and two parents wasn't something that had been on their radar - but they gladly opened their home to us and insisted we spend our entire time in Ohio using their house as our base.  Their generosity allowed us to do FAR more than we could have done otherwise, and all of us are grateful for that. 

Thank you, Brother and Sister Gardner!  

This was an obvious example of generosity, but I also want to pay tribute today to all those who do things that are not required strictly out of love for others.  In some ways, examples like ours last week are "easier" than other, less obvious, seemingly smaller things.  Many people respond in a time of obvious need, but many also respond in less obvious times - and many people help others in situations where those others don't even ask. 

In that light:

Thank you, Brother and Sister Moellmann! 

Your generosity in seeing a need and making an extraordinary offer of help will be appreciated eternally by Mama and me - and Ryan.  Your kindness went WAY beyond any expectation; it was nearly unimaginable to us when you made your offer.  It is an example we cherish - and I will reference it, I'm sure, in talks and trainings and other situations for years to come.  What makes it even more selfless is that I am positive you would be embarrassed to have it shared publicly, so, when I do describe it more fully, I will share it only as a wonderful example of dear friends. 

May God bless all the good people in this world who reach out and help others - both when asked and, even more importantly, when a need is seen and met without being asked. 

My Son Is Back from His Mission: When Fruit Grows in Uncultivated Ground

Rather than write a New Year's resolution post this weekend, I just want to thank the Lord that my son has returned from his mission safely.  He probably won't be with us long, since he needs to enroll in college somewhere within the next month, but it is wonderful to have him here for a short time. 

One of the best things about my current church calling is that I was able to hear him report on his mission in that official capacity.  It was amazing to listen to him and realize how much his faith and understanding of the central principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ have grown over the past two years.  He focused on seeing people as God sees them - as beloved sons and daughters - as our spiritual brothers and sisters. 

I loved one analogy he used in talking about Jacob 5.  He mentioned that the Lord had cultivated fruit in the worst part of the vineyard - the least desirable land available.  He then talked about how amazing it was to see people whose lives had been extremely difficult accept the Gospel and make mighty changes as the seed took root and grew in what appeared to be terrible soil.  It reminded me once again that we simply MUST NOT make judgments about who is ready and who is not.  Rather, we need to be willing to talk with everyone  - truly talk with and love them, not preach at them.  Those we naturally would overlook and not approach often are those who would accept it most passionately and fervently - no matter the apparent condition of their internal soil. 

I love you, Ryan - and I am so glad to see the man you have become.

When the Church Works, It Is Wonderful to Behold: Yesterday, I Saw It Work

I had an experience today that touched me deeply, and I want to share it with everyone here. 

My advising assignment was changed this month to include my home ward and a different branch than I had been visiting previously.  Yesterday was the first time I had visited officially as an adviser, and I normally would not have been there on the third Sunday of the month.  We speak on the second Sunday of each month, so I normally visit the other branch on the fourth Sunday - so I don't have to be away from my family two consecutive Sundays.  However, since we will be out of town next Sunday visiting family in Oklahoma, I decided I should attend the branch this week. 

I normally like to arrive at least 30 minutes early, but, due to circumstances I don't need to detail here, I got there with only about 5 minutes to spare.  When I walked in and spoke with the Branch President, he told me that they had just realized as the young men were preparing the sacrament this morning that they were out of cups for the water.  They were discussing what to do as a result. 

They had decided to shift the sacrament to the end of the meeting, so the Branch President could drive home and bring a bunch of small drinking cups from his house.  It would be a bit awkward and difficult to manage, but it was the only solution that came to mind.  I suggested they go ahead and follow that plan, but that I would call someone in my home ward (which met at the exact same time as the branch) and see if they had any extra sacrament cups - and to see if anyone in that ward would be willing to miss their own meeting to deliver the cups to the branch by the end of their meeting.  The Branch President left to go home to get his cups, and I called a few numbers I had on my cell phone until I reached the High Priest Group Leader. 

He stepped out of the chapel to take my call just as my ward was singing the opening hymn.  He then went back into the chapel, spoke with someone in the YM Presidency, called me back and told me he would bring four sleeves of cups to the branch right away - enough that they could use them again for a couple of weeks if they were unable to get more of their own right away.  This good man told his wife and sons what was going on, left Sacrament Meeting before the sacrament was passed, drove 40 minutes to the branch, handed me the cups, then turned around and drove back to his ward without taking the sacrament in the branch - because he had to get back in time to teach the lesson today to his own high priests. 

I took the cups to the priests at the sacrament table in the middle of the final talk, and they finished preparing the trays and the table just as the final special musical number was ending - an absolutely gorgeous solo about the birth of Jesus.  They literally were lowering the covering on the sacrament as the final note was ending. 

There's something amazing about hearing the sacrament prayer said immediately following a beautiful musical number - when the Spirit is so strong you can feel it almost tangibly.  There's also something truly touching about listening to that prayer ("are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son")  while picturing the good man who made it all possible driving ALONE back to his own building, having missed participating himself in either unit so that he could make it happen for others and still perform the very mundane tasks of his calling. 

I know it's a "small thing" in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly brought to my mind the verse:

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." 

God bless you, Brother Coons.

The Day That Forever Changed My Life: or, What I Wish for My Children

24 years ago, I was sealed to the most beautiful girl I had ever known, with a promise that we would never be separated - ever - eternally.

I wrote the following three years ago at Christmas, and I am re-posting it today as a tribute to my split-apart.  I only can hope and pray that our children find what we have found - even if they don't find it in quite the "Ahhhhhh"-inspiring way we did. 

My highest wish for all of my kids (including those who were born outside our biological family) is that they remember who they are collectively and learn who they are individually - that they think for themselves - that they be happy with who they are but be willing to let go of who they don't want to be (even if they never accomplish that fully in this life) - that they come to know their Father and His Son - that they come to understand "the grace that so fully He proffers" them - that they see repentance not as a burden of guilt but rather as an exciting process of growth and completion and discovery - that they become truly peculiar treasures, together and alone - that they find that certain someone without whom they will never be perfect (complete and whole) - and that, with that certain someone, they carve out lives that will satisfy and challenge and reward and fulfill and complete.

My wish is that this madhouse we call Hotel DeGraw will be able to accommodate boarders eternally, even if in both the here and now and the hereafter that simply means a moment here and there as we watch our children establish homes (and perhaps hotels) of their own. If I see this wish fulfilled, I will live and die and live again happily - even if nothing else I desire comes to pass. If they can be as happy as I am, living as half of an eternal whole, I will praise God eternally for the love He has allowed me to experience and the joy He has given me.