A Beautful, Powerful, Instructive Confession

A friend of mine once shared the following with me, and when I found it after all this time I immediately realized I wanted to share it here on my blog.  The highlighting and parenthetical comments are mine.  I hope it touches and teaches someone else like it did me when I first read it: 

I had a woman tell me I was an idiot. The entire mess landed all of us in the Bishop's office. It got kind of ugly. I think that's why tip-toeing happens. If I squeal or correct someone - I'm the one considered in the wrong - especially when it's a leader. We have this superiority / ranking system (in the Church sometimes), that covers for the "good" guy and discards the "bad" guy.

I've seen it with high councils, in Bishoprics, in wards (with who is "in" or considered "in"). It is another massive human failing. So it's not so much tip-toeing as deciding what course you want to take. 

In my case I had been arrogant. The woman who had a gripe was right. I didn't do anything blatantly wrong - like steal or hit, but I said somethings with an attitude that cut some people deep. But popularity was on my side. I was the Young Women President and beloved. Because of my image and calling I sort of out ranked her. Her comments were seen as undermining and so on. In the court of LDS appeal I was acquitted and sanctified. I really believed those judgements were true and that she was a woman with a jealous gripe. Then one day when the incident was far gone I witnessed another similar event - and suddenly as an outside observer I realized I had been just what she saw. Maybe I hadn't meant it, maybe she was overly sensitive - or maybe I was a jerk and idiot.

I don't to this day know how many people I have done similar things to over the years. I imagine more than I would like to count. I can be very zealous when I have a cause I believe in. I can be very animated, dramatic and effective. In those heady moments I am so self focused it's amazing. And if people like my energy and presentation they grant me miles of forgiveness - even are blind to my errors. They are on my side and it really helps in a war of hurt hearts. I've been there; I know. 

In My Heart and In My Mind: The Analogy of the Kite

This post was inspired by two other posts by people I admire greatly.  If you want to read them before reading this post, please do so:

"Reining in the Analyst" - jmb275 (Wheat & Tares) - [I linked to this post last year as one of my weekly highlighted posts.]

"Unrelated (but still really great) Thoughts" - Clean Cut [Clean Cut (with a Coke)]

I first realized I thought differently than most other members of the Church when I was about 7 years old - the first time I read the Book of Mormon and thought:

"Wait.  That doesn't say what people at church think it says."  

(As a simple yet important example, I probably was about 10-12 years old when I first realized that the Lamanites must have joined a large, indigenous, darker-skinned population, much like the Nephites did with the Mulekites - since that was the only thing that made sense to me when I read that the Lamanites still outnumbered the Nephites greatly, even after their combining with the Mulekites - and since it explains the Nephite statements about skin color so well.)

In that way, I have had the "luxury / blessing" of starting very early and naturally to learn that it's OK to be different - and I now have had over 40 years of practice at letting my mind (my analyst) roam free for most of the time I live and reining in my mind (my analyst) at times at church.  I live very comfortably in both worlds at this point - the settlement and the wilderness, so to speak. 

The best description I've ever heard is that of a kite:

My mind flies all over the place, flitting around looking at lots of things and thrilling in the ride - but my heart is grounded firmly by the string that connects me to my community, my family, my church, my "foundation".  Without the kite of my mind, my heart might break - but without the string of my heart, my mind might fly off into the sun and burn. 

In other words, I have "studied" things out in my heart AND my mind - and "reining in the analyst" helps keep the kite of my mind from causing too much tension and breaking free of the string of my heart.