The Ideal Is to Live in Your Own Best Way

“How . . . do we put the Savior first without putting down other people or their religions? We don’t have to insist on being right all the time. When my parents drank tea, I sat with them and drank hot water. Make compromises. Find ways to serve. Minimize the areas of conflict. Don’t retaliate. After all, you want your family to see that you’re a better, happier person as a result of belonging to the Church.

Be spiritually independent enough that your relationship with the Savior doesn't depend on your circumstances or on what other people say and do. Have the spiritual independence to be a Mormon--the best Mormon you can--in your own way. Not the bishop's way. Not the Relief Society president's way. Your way.” 

- Chieko Okazaki, "Lighten Up", p. 98-99

Individual Adaptation within Collective Norms

 I have a friend who has struggled with body acceptance issues for a long time.  She is working on coping mechanisms to help her overcome this difficulty, but wearing garments exacerbates seriously her struggles.  I can't understand those struggles fully, since I have never experienced them personally, but they are real and, at times, can be damaging and even dangerous.

With reference to the garment, she said something to me once that I thought at the time was very powerful - and I have thought about it off and on since then.  She said:

It's difficult for me to see how a loving Heavenly Father could require something that makes us feel this way.

I had the chance to communicate with her again a while ago, and the topic arose one more time.  Having thought about it since she first shared her frustration, I answered her in the following way:

I don't believe he requires us to do things that make us feel that way - but, if you accept his existence and the foundation of communal rules in any way, he does require some people to do things that aren't "ideal" for those people. There's no way to have communal laws, rules, regulations, suggestions, cultural practices, etc. that are going to be "right" for everyone. They are approximations of what works generally for the good of the collective group.

That's an important, even critical, distinction - and I believe it's vital to understand. "We" don't get everything that would be "ideal" for "us" when we agree to be part of any group. An essential part of learning charity - true charity - is acceptance of that fact. The key is to step back a bit, see the benefit for the collective group, make whatever sacrifices are possible for the group, make individual adjustments and adaptations that are important to you personally and find peace in that balance between serving the collective good and honoring what is vital to yourself.

It's not easy - this embrace of paradox and complexity. Simple extremes are easier - but they also are more destructive. Worship according to the dictates of your own conscience, but find a way to do it within the community you choose as your own. It might take a while, but it's worth it in the end - since the faith you carve out will be your own, and it will allow you to continue being an active part of your own tribe, so to speak. 

In the specific case of the garment and her body issues, I have NO problem with her not wearing the garment in the same way most Mormons who wear it do so.  The Church Handbook of Instruction actually leaves how she does so in her hands, and I love that policy.  If adapting in healthy ways means wearing it only for specific things (like when she attends the temple) - or only for a short period of time each day and/or night - or only one day per week or month - or even not until she has a better handle on her body acceptance issues, so be it.  I would rather have her be working on getting to the point that she can wear it without real damage than be damaged in a very real way on a regular basis.  The key, I believe, is not to wear or not wear but rather to face the issue head-on and strive to find a way to do whatever is possible in the present while working on making the future better.

I think that is a good outline for most things in life. 

I Am Accountable to Come to a Personal Understanding of What I Believe - and Then to Follow It

In the end, when all is said and done and I stand before God, I believe I will be held accountable for how I lived what I personally believed - and I also believe I am responsible to come to a personal understanding of what I believe. I've stopped caring if I believe exactly what others believe (even the majority of the membership of the Church with regard to some things); I care much more about figuring out what I actually do believe and refining it continually, based on "studying it out in (my) own heart and mind" and on "receiving on-going revelation" (both from God directly and from others whom He has inspired). Revelation to me through someone else ultimately is revelation to me from God. 

The principle of "on-going revelation" is important to me - since "revelation", at is core, simply means the uncovering of things that previously were hidden from view. I sustain and support prophets and apostles, and I value their insights and beliefs and perspectives HIGHLY - but, in the end, I believe I'm not going to be judged at the most basic level by how I "obeyed" them. I believe I will be judged by how I obey God - and that is determined almost exclusively by how well I follow my conscience and do my best to understand and internalize what I believe to be the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is a result of who I am and who I become. 

I compromise all the time on lots of practical things as a member of a society (including of the LDS Church and as half of an equal couple), but we are told that the ideal is for all people, as individuals, to be prophets in the purest sense of the word (those to whom God speaks, in whatever way that occurs for each individual) - so that's my primary goal.

Learning to be at peace with that individual journey within my partner-marriage relationship and the collective, communal Church is the key - and most of that peace has come from nothing more than learning to accept my best effort to do and be my best.