Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Fascinating Comment By a Gay LDS Member About Same-Sex Attraction

Marriage, Dating and SSA Men - Kevin L, author of the blog "Reaching Upward".


SilverRain said...

That is interesting to me as a single adult female. On the one hand, I would be thrilled to marry someone who was first attracted to me, the person. On the other hand, I would be extremely upset to find out the guy I had been dating had SSA without telling me. The longer I spent in the relationship, the more upset I'd be.

But then, I'm struggling right now with the idea of marrying again at all, so take that for what it's worth.

Papa D said...

Yeah, being open and honest about it all is important - and, based on the post, the author agrees.

My advice, fwiw, is not new or profound, but: Marry again or not - whatever you personally feel inspired to do. There is a lot of social pressure to be "normal", but try to see it only as that - social pressure.

Do what you feel is right and best for you.

SilverRain said...

Aye, there's the rub.

Anonymous said...

I think his advice to date is a good one. But there is such a fine line to the rest. On one hand you're trying...on the other you are misleading others and even possibly lying to them. I don't think many marriages would live through the 'big reveal' that one partner has SSA. If there is to be any sort of relationship, there needs to be honesty from the start...waaaay before wedding bells are ringing, and before talk of ring sizes.

I know multiple families that have been torn apart because a gay man thought he would he learn to be attracted to his wife, or once he had kids it would be okay, or he could just ignore those feelings because being married in the temple and having a family would be worth it. But sooner or later, they just couldn't live the lie anymore and left, leaving a path of destruction and broken hearts in their wake.

The delusion from Satan that he speaks about...feeling like they will never be attracted to a woman, or marry is counteracted by a same delusional thought from the church and society itself. That if you just do whats right and expected of you, everything else will fall into place.

Sexual attraction is such a fluid, gray thing. Maybe this man is simply attracted to both men and women. But some people are only attracted to those of the same sex, and no amount of dating is going to change that. Its great that he was able to find a way that worked for him, but I would be very cautious in expecting the same results for others with SSA.

Anonymous said...

I also think there is a huge difference in having SSA and being gay. I think everyone has the ability to be 'attracted' to people of both sexes. Beauty is beauty wherever it is found. Just because a girl can appreciate a beautiful woman, doesn't mean she is a lesbian, and vice versa. I think society had made it so taboo to feel anything towards the same sex that some people go "oh my goodness, I think that person is attractive, I must be gay!" Perhaps in those cases, dating would help to clear up the difference.

Papa D said...

Amen, Anonymous - pretty much to everything in both of your comments.

Kevin L. said...

As the guy you quoted, I do regret not being more open about it from the beginning. But my basis for making the observations I mentioned is not just my own experience. This pattern has played itself out time and time again. I too think that human sexuality is very fluid. It is a learned response. It can change and does change. I know that for a long time I was attracted to both, then I was only attracted to guys, and now I'm starting to develop more attraction to women.

The openness and honesty that this challenge has "forced" into our marriage, has made our relationship to be very fulfilling and happy.

My experience in working with over a hundred men who experience SSA or have chosen to identify as gay is that there simply is no line where someone is just gay. That identity really is chosen even if the feelings of attractions are not.

I'm not trying to say that everyone can change their attractions, but it is far more common than many people believe. Far more marriages where one spouse has SSA succeed then fail. It's just that the failures are a much more vocal group.

Anonymous said...


I always self-identified as a male heterosexual. However, I have never experienced sexual attraction without first developing an intimate emotional relationship.

Apparently, this is anomalous.

I suppose the human range of emotionality is as broad as the human range of sexuality.