Celestial Marriage Is Not Exclusive to Mormons

[NOTE: I wanted to change the normal post time today, to have this post at 11:11AM on 11/11/11 - but old habits die hard, so I changed it to 12:11AM where I live instead as a compromise. However, it was 11:11 in Utah when this posted. Just sayin'.]

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming: 

I personally believe that the core, fundamental, highest command relative to marriage ever given was to "cleave unto her and none else". In our terms, it is to become one as a couple in all ways. Frankly, I don't think ANY temple marriage in which the spouses do NOT become one is a celestial marriage - and I believe ANY non-temple marriage in which the spouses truly do become one IS a celestial marriage. The latter simply hasn't been ratified by God yet (when viewed from a classic Mormon perspective). I view proxy temple work as a validation of this concept - that God will ratify those marriages where the couple became one, even if they were not sealed in this life.

I know there are situations in which becoming one simply isn't possible, for one reason or another - and I also recognize that there are some marriages from which one spouse simply must flee in order to have a chance at the type of relationship I am describing.  However, I can't fathom God tearing apart a couple that has managed to become one solely because one of the partners wasn't totally on board with the religious theology of their time or their spouse. I personally think those who become Christ-like / godly in this life (or who strive to become so) will have "a multitude of sins" covered by the Atonement - and becoming one as a couple, where possible, is a key part of that "covering", imo.

Also, I HIGHLY recommend watching the movie "What Dreams May Come" - and focusing intently on the part near the end where the husband explains to his wife why he won't leave her in (literal) Hell (after leaving her in her previous figurative Hell) - why living in Hell with her is better than living in Heaven alone. (It's instructive that Adam chose to leave "paradise" in order to be with Eve, when the other choice was to remain in the presence of God without her.) If wives and husbands could see the incredibly deep and profound message I took from that scene . . . I think much, if not all, of their collective angst and concern would vanish - and they could tackle life together with faith that they will remain together eternally simply because they won't accept anything else.

(Fwiw, that's how I feel about my wife: ain't nobody going to split us apart, 'cause we are welding ourselves into one being.)

The Most Touching and Heart-Warming Picture I've Ever Seen

 A Mormon Image: Greater Love - Julie M. Smith (Times & Seasons) 

Read the caption; read the obituary linked in Julie's comment #1; go back and look at the picture and read the caption again.  If your heart isn't touched in a special way, examine your heart. 

Homosexuality and the Most Basic Double Standard

I need to start with a critical disclaimer:

I have no problem with the LDS Church's position opposing gay marriage, even if I might approach it differently. This post is not about that issue; it is about what I see as a more fundamental issue.  Please, if anyone comments on this post, do NOT try to make it about anything but the point of the post.

With that out of the way:

My most fundamental, foundational issue when it comes to the way homosexuality is addressed in the Church is that there really is a double standard in place right now - NOT the one that many people assume, but a real and important one, nonetheless.

First, based on the way that the Church addresses "fornication" in all its forms, I think it is a HUGE stretch for the leadership to accept homosexual sexual intercourse and the other old terms they use when talking about "things like unto it". (petting, necking, etc.) I don't want that traditional standard changed - although I wouldn't cry if "necking" disappeared from the published works. Frankly, if they are asking unmarried heterosexual members to abstain from that type of activity, I have no problem with them asking unmarried homosexual members to do likewise.

The issue for me is that the Church's current position, while MUCH better than it has been in the past (especially since it openly admits that sexual orientation often is not a choice but rather is biological and strong), still contains a double standard. Single, heterosexual members are allowed to develop an intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex in many ways - as long as specific lines are not crossed. Those lines are drawn so narrowly for homosexual members, however, that developing an intimate relationship with a member of the same sex is next to impossible - even if the "heterosexual lines" are never crossed. (I know that it is not a bright line, obvious standard that is published and enforced everywhere, but it is the common view in most units of the Church, imo.)

For example, I was able to hold hands with my girlfriend, kiss her, sit arm in arm, gaze into her eyes, etc. - all in public AND privately, without any fear of punishment. Iow, I was able to show my affection and love for her in various ways without ever crossing into any inappropriate activity. That simply is not true for homosexual members. They are asked to avoid that type of loving, intimate bond - even if they never cross the lines that would be considered inappropriate for single, heterosexual members.

I believe that it is this discrepancy that lies at the heart of the issue for the Church - and that if we simply eliminated that double standard, the discussion would change in fundamental and important ways.

He Saves Us from the Paths We Don't Want to Take

My oldest daughter wrote the following during her freshman year in college.  She wrote it after reading the Biblical verse quoted at the end of the poem.  I was blown away by the imagery then, and I decided I should share it now:


He Saves Us, Anyway

You're drowning. And no one is there to care.
Trapped under the ice. You pound on it, desperate to break free.
But all you do is crack the ice. It does not break.
That always happens. You come so close to being free, but regardless
You're still stuck. Miserable, lonely, crying.
You start to sink lower and lower. Looking side to side, wanting help.
But finding none. Only seeing darkness.
You look down. Darkness. Reminder of your misery. Reminder of your
Longing to be happy. Reminder of the path you are heading to.
The path that you do not want to take. 


You keep pounding on the ice. It does not break.
You try to not take the path you so desperately hate, but you sink
Further and further.
You reach as far as you can towards the ice. Your fingers touch it.
You gather strength enough to pound once more. But to no avail.
Why can you not break free? Are you not good enough?
Thoughts of worthlessness. They are the death of you. Pulling you
Even lower than you were before.
You are ready to give up. Just follow the inevitable, follow the path
You do not want to take. 


You stop yourself from glancing down again. You almost look side-to-side.
Then you remember that you have not truly looked up. Only to pound on the ice.
But if pounding has not worked in the past, why would it work now?
You look up anyway. You do not pound on the ice. You see the cracks that
Your seemingly futile efforts have made. And beyond the cracks, there is light.
You wish you had the strength to break the ice.
To go beyond this place of darkness. To a place of warmth and comfort.
But you do not pound. You think about how worthless you are.
But then you think about how there was no light before you started pounding.
Maybe your efforts were not worthless after all.
You realize that you can not break out on your own from  

The path you do not want to take.


And when you stop trying to do it on your own, and you look at the light,
You realize there is a hand stretched out.
He breaks the ice for you. He pulls you out of the darkness.
He provides you with warmth you never imagined.
And that is when you realize that you tried your best,
and although your best was not enough to save yourself, He saved you, anyway.
Because despite your loneliness, He was there. He was always there.
You stopped trying to save yourself from the path you don't want to take
and learned to trust Him, who loves us all. 


2 Samuel 22:29 - "For thou art my lamp, O Lord: and the Lord will lighten my darkness."

Helping Those Who Struggle When You Struggle, Too

A friend of mine once asked me the following question:

Is there any advice you can provide on how to talk to my kids about their doubts when I'm riddled with my own?

My response to him was:

Repentance means nothing more than "change" at its core. What you are going through is a true repentance process - NOT in the classic "bad man becomes good man" construct that most members picture, but in the wonderful "good man examines self to become better" process.

Frankly, I'd share your experience with your kids - in an age and individual child appropriate way, of course, but openly and honestly. I'd start out by talking about how you used to take everything at face value and just believe - because that's what you thought was expected of you and because it's easier to do that. I'd mention that you went through an intense and difficult time of doubt - where you weren't sure what you personally believed. I'd mention that you are gaining a PERSONAL understanding and testimony of many things that you took for granted before - and that you still are trying to figure a lot of stuff out. I wouldn't go into specifics unless someone asks, but I'd end by talking about what repentance really means - that it is more about changing who you are in a positive, intentional way than about beating yourself up over past mistakes - that Jesus paid for our past mistakes and freed us to pursue progression and positive change and joy.

Actually, I'd end by telling them that you now understand deeply why people have doubts and concerns and struggle with various things - and that you are willing to talk with each and every one of them at any time about any doubts or concerns or struggles they are having. I'd tell them that it's perfectly fine to struggle - that having real faith actually is founded on being willing to work through struggles and not just "give up" when we don't understand something. It's not passive acceptance, but proactive and focused effort to figure it out and learn - to "gain knowledge" by both study AND prayer/contemplation.

That's my gut reaction. It is a scary proposition in many ways, but I think your children can gain tremendous strength and insight if they know they aren't the only ones who struggle - and that, conversely, they can feel inadequate and even "bad" if they think they are alone in their struggles.

Recognizing the Needs of the Poor and Sharing More Readily with Them

My New Year's Resolution this month is to "recognize the needs of the poor more and share more readily with them."  It is taken from Alma 5:55, which says:

Yea, and will you persist in turning your backs upon the poor, and the needy, and in withholding your substance from them?  

Honestly, in theory, this should be an easy resolution for me.  I grew up poor, the second of eight children with a school custodian father and a mom who didn't work outside our home - and rarely inside it.  (That's not an insult of any kind or "bad" in any way.  For more detail about my parents' situation, see this post.)  As a teenager, I paid for most of what I wanted - and my father opened the checkbook for us to see the inadequate balance whenever we asked for something we simply couldn't afford.

Most of our married life, my wife and I have been relatively poor.  I walked away from significant opportunities when I graduated from college to teach high school - a decision that flabbergasted my college friends.  I have been unemployed more than once, due to multiple changes in career paths.  We had a few years of plenty, when I had a career sales year, but a bad investment ended that period of prosperity.  I now work in an industry I absolutely love, and it provides a wonderful tuition benefit for our children in college - but I have had to start over at the bottom of the totem pole, so to speak, and, therefore, once again, we are relatively poor.

My wife's upbringing was not quite as strapped as mine, but it certainly wasn't anything above moderate-middle class.  

Given our lives, it should be a simple thing for me to recognize the needs of the poor and share more readily with them.  After all, being relatively poor makes it much easier to recognize the needs of the poor - since they are, to some extent, our own needs.  However, being relatively poor also makes it hard sometimes to let go of what we do have and become relatively poorer as as result.

I believe neither the absolute nor relative poverty of one's situation contributes automatically or predominantly to one group sharing with others in a "personally significant" way, since I believe the rich who share often don't share to the extent that the poor do (meaning that when the rich share, it usually is not as much of a sacrifice as that of the poor), but I also believe the poor sometimes justify their lack of sharing more quickly than the rich.  I think there are impediments to sharing freely and meaningfully for each group, and, most importantly for this post, I think the focus (almost obsession) with finances in our modern society leads us to over-emphasize monetary sharing and de-value non-financial sharing.

So, my initial resolution this month is to recognize the non-monetary needs of the poor (including the non-monetarily poor) and share more readily what I have that will alleviate their poverty.

The possibilities are endless, and, therefore, the need for discernment and inspiration is paramount.

Loving and Accepting Those Who Don't Fully Love and Accept Us

It is SO hard for many people to truly give up the idea that they know what's best for everyone else.

I think as we talk of any topic relative to the Church that we simply have to keep in mind that "my way is not others' way". If we can't do that, if we hold onto the idea that those who do or see or believe or act differently than we do are completely wrong, or less informed, or less enlightened, or any other pejorative judgment, then we are doing to them exactly what they do to us that causes us to complain. I'm not addressing only those outside the LDS Church when I say that. I'm talking every bit as much about our fellow pew mates in many cases.

For example, there is NO guarantee that differences among members in intellectual and spiritual and emotional struggles have ANYTHING to do with the afterlife or our end result, since it seems to be more about how we handle them than that they exist. There is no guarantee that those who appear to float blissfully along in life, attending meetings without any doubts or concerns or angst, doing what they are asked to do, never turning down a calling, etc. aren't better off in the long-run than those who struggle; however, there also is no guarantee that they actually are growing and progressing and becoming better. Maybe they spend their time serving others, while others spend their time obsessing on the internet; maybe they are acting automatically with no conscious decision simply out of a mindless following of the patterns of their youth, while others who serve less do so more consciously and purposefully. Maybe God appreciates and rewards unthinking dedication. Maybe not, but maybe. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe.

The point is that we don't know for sure, so we need to try to let go of our own self-righteousness and allow others within the Church to be whoever they are - loving and accepting them for who they are, not whom we want them to be. We talk of how we want that from others - being loved for who we are; we need to be willing to give them that first - even if it never is returned to us by them.

After all, "We love Him, because He first loved us."  That is a godly characteristic that is hard for many, but it is so important as we muddle along together while seeing through our glass, darkly. 

The 9th Article of Faith Assures Me that Changes Will Occur

(Richard) Poll's (Faith) Pillars - Spencer (Clean Cut)

We Know Far Less of Life Than We Tend to Think We Do

One of the most baffling aspects of life for me is the stark difference in experiences among humans. I can't explain it - other than to state that I am positive it has little if anything to do with effort or sincerity or even "faithfulness", since I know of any number of people who are more of each of those things than I am but who have not had experiences like mine. It truly baffles me, and I don't hold it up as proof of anything - except that we know far less of life (both here and not here) than we tend to think we do. Of that, I am certain - and, ironically, that is one of the things from which I have found great comfort and strength and peace.

Am I Accomplishing My Mission in Writing This Blog?

I don't actively publicize my blog much - except when I provide a link on another site to something I've written here.  I could spend more time in efforts to expand my readership, but I spend as much time as I am able in good conscience already - and I never have felt the need to market it more vigorously.  However, I have wondered occasionally who reads it of whom I'm not aware and how they find it - specifically because I wonder sometimes if I am accomplishing the mission I set for myself when I started writing actively back in 2007.  

By Common Consent has a series of posts that list search phrases people use that end up pointing them to that site.  It's quite hilarious in some instances, and one of those posts was published recently, so I decided to take a look at what brings people here who don't know about my blog.  I assumed there wouldn't be any truly hilarious cases, but I figured I at least should check and see what appeared in my queue for the last 24 hours.  The following is what I found, along with my commentary:

"becoming a more forgiving person" 

(Cool.  I like that one - a lot.  It was a post from March 2009.)

"how to teach forgiving others in a sensitive way" 

(This search led to the same post as the search above.)

"tongue can be sharp sword" 

(I couldn't remember which post that would have been, so I checked.  It was a post I wrote almost 3 years ago.  Wow!) 

"Mormonism and reincarnation" 

(This one was from March of this year.)

"What is the difference between sin and transgression?" 

(This query is the most common I have seen over the years.  That is fascinating to me - and it is something I would not have guessed when I began blogging.) 

"to be less envious" 

(This one is from June of this year.)

"What is the meaning of vaunteth?" 

(This one is from March 2010.)

I know there is nothing profound or funny in this list, but I was struck by two things:

1) When I write something here, it is accessible for years to come - and, assuming nothing happens to alter that situation, I am achieving my primary objective in writing this blog.  My descendants (and others) will have a record of my beliefs - a spiritual journal, if you will - when I am gone.

2) People whom I don't know are being led to my writings - and, while I don't have any idea if that is a net positive for any of them, I hope it is. 

Those are the two main reasons I write daily posts - to record "the things of my soul" for my children and their children ad infinitum and to leave my own testimony, in a way, for others to read and, hopefully, find comfort and some measure of help and support.

It isn't much, but, especially, in the case of those I don't know, it constitutes "all (I) can do".