Friday, April 25, 2014

When Someone Hurts Us

When someone hurts us, it's hard to remember that, sometimes, it's just a case of a good person trying his or her best and simply screwing up.

I know I've hurt others plenty of times in my life, and I hope I am a good person. If I can hurt others unintentionally, just because I'm a stupid, flawed, blind mortal, I try really, really hard to keep that in mind with regard to others. I try really hard to have my first "action" be charitable rather than judgmental. I don't succeed as often as I'd like, but I do try.


Glenn Thigpen said...

No one hurts us. We allow ourselves to be hurt by what others may say and do. Once we learn that simple fact, our lives will become so much simpler and better. But that is an aspect of living that is really difficult for people to grasp, a really difficult state of mind for people to attain.Humans are emotional beings and make decisionsand live according to their emotions, for the most part anyway.
In looking back upo my life, everytime I was "hurt" was due to the fact that I had reacted irrationally to the actions or words of another. I have worked really hard to become a NEZ person, but I still have a way to go.
That being said, we still need to do our best to understand and try not to be that source of pain for anyone else. The closer the bond betwen two people, the greater the ease to cause pain and hurt by careless thoughts or actions. Especially for our ypung children, young nieces, nephews, etc.
When my wife and I were dating, I often despaired of us ever having a stable relationship, much less marrying, because she was so raw emotionally, so sensitive, so used to criticism, that I never knew what I was going to say or do that would touch a nerve. It took a long time, but she has learned that my love for her is really sincere and she has come to believe that and is nowhere near as sensitive as she was whenwe first met.
I guess that the main thing I have to say is just that, if the peiple in your life know that you sincerely love them and that you are not the type of person to intentionally cause hurt or pain, they will be less likely to view your words or actions as hurtful. As my seven year old granddaughter would say "Your're joking, right?"


Anonymous said...

"No one hurts us."

Yes, they most certainly do. I don't know if you realize that you are blaming victims, and victim blaming is an insidious evil. it is used to excuse everything from racism to misogyny to outright abuse.

The process you have gone through to forgive is one thing and undoubtedly good; but the sentiments you have framed here are a sentiment that hurts our communities and drives people away from Christ and his gospel.

And, yes, my comment is strongly worded. I do not apologize for that.


Papa D said...

People do hurt people.

Some things simply are offensive.

Glenn Thigpen said...

Papa D and anonymous,
I think that you missed the point of my post. Anonymous, I don't care how strongly you word your posts. You can call me a dirty, rotten, racist, homophobic, S.O.B. or any other name that you think is hoffific if you wish. You can burn the American flag in front of my face, if you wish. Or something of the sort. It will not bother me because I will not allow it to bother me.
If I were towalk up and slap someone, it would hurt them. The case of the pain would be explainable byphysics ans anatomy. The receptor has no choice but to feel pain.
If I walk up to a person and tell them him or her that he/she is ugly, that person does have a choice of becoming offended or not. That is something that as adults that we need to cultivate, i.e. the ability not to become offended, even if an offense is intended. If we react angrily to an intended slight, we cede some portion of control of our existence to that detractor.
Just go to any discussion board, such as the Mormon Dialogue and Discussion Board, and you will see my point being made in spades. You will find intelligent people from all walks of life and viewpoints too often responding to a different point of view that he or she may deem offensive with irrational responses and the thread will be dragged totally off topic and will spiral down into personalalities.
Taking offense, feeling hurt, is a natural response. It is something that we can learn to overcome.
Learning how to not become offended has actually helped me become more sensitive to those who are more tender in their feelings, especially little children. They have yet to learn to master their feelings, to act rather than react. Sadly, all too often, we as adults never learn to brifle our thoughts, to school our emotions, and thus all too easily have our feelings hurt when we could choose not to do so. we then become part of the problem.
We also become part of the problem when we thoughtlessly say or do things that someone else will find to be offensive. Or worse, when we deliberately set out to offend someone.
And, that, long winded though it be, is my point. Even though I know that person B can choose to be offended or not be offended, I don't know that person's state of mind, their background, their culture. I don't want to be part of the problem. I am going to try not to give another person the choice to become offended.