I have a friend who had some negative experiences related to attending the temple but not related directly to the temple itself. I came across my advice to him and hope what I told him helps someone, in some way, now:
This is going to be more analytical than "emotionally supportive", so
please understand that upfront. There is no intent other than to
analyze and offer that sort of suggestion.
I think it's important, very
important, to separate from the temple itself, intentionally and consciously, from the experiences
you describe and work on getting a handle on the
emotional residual effects of the experiences before returning to the temple. It sounds like you understand the
underlying issues at the most basic, intellectual level, and I'm not
saying you have to go back to the temple right away. I am
saying, however, that, if you really do feel like you need to go at some
point, as you indicate, then you are going to have to tackle the
emotional effects of one bad experience directly related to temple
policy (not the temple itself), one bad experience directly related to
clueless in-laws (not the temple itself) and one bad cumulative
experience directly related to church members (not the temple itself).
I don't mean to minimize those experiences in any way (truly and sincerely).
They were difficult. Period. However, only one of them, at the heart
of it all, really was, primarily, temple-related - and that was about
policy, not the temple itself. Your clueless in-laws were part of the
first bad experience (along with strong cultural expectations) and the
direct, singular cause of the second one. (Seriously, without your in-laws and cultural expectations, you
wouldn't have had that bad experience.) Your ward members were the
direct cause of the third one. (Seriously, without their actions, you
wouldn't have had the series of experiences in that ward.) Underlying
the second and third experiences was the crushing disappointment of the
first one - and your inability to separate emotionally the temple itself
from your anger / feelings of being judged, ignored, dismissed, etc.
For example, according to your own description, the third experience
wasn't a temple-specific experience; rather, it was an extension of your
overall experience in that ward.
Again, I'm being more
clinical than emotionally supportive simply because I think that
solution-focused viewpoint needs to be stated - even as I also want to
offer the emotional support of making it clear that I think you need to
tackle what I described above in your own way and on your own time
table. I just think it's really important in the case you described to
make it explicit that your issue isn't with the temple itself. Your issue is
with a policy which I also would like to see changed (insisting on temple sealing prior to civil marriage in countries that recognize temple sealings as legal marriages) and with people being stupid - and one woman who did
her best to help you in a meaningful way. Yes, her offer ended up
making you feel worse, but it was a wonderful, kind, caring gesture,
nonetheless - and I think it's important amid the negative memories to
credit the effort of a good-hearted, kind person.
If I could make one suggestion, again with the timing totally up to you,
I would arrange a time to attend the temple with only your wife - even
if you have to go to a temple other than the one where your in-laws and
ward members attend. Don't tell anyone else you are going; just go. If
you like baptisms, do or help with baptisms. If not, do an endowment
session - then sit together in the celestial room and talk or just hold
each other without saying a word. Think of the type of activity you
would like in the temple, then do that - away from anyone for whom you
are struggling right now to have kind feelings, overall or related to
the temple.
Most of all, I hope you find peace with the temple eventually, however that can occur.
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